Because Johnny had to know. Had to know if his beautiful little girl wasn’t his at all.
Noel seemed to take an age to answer. Johnny wanted to get him round the neck, shake the information out of him. He had to know. He needed to know if the one remaining glimmer of light in his life was about to be snuffed out.
Then Noel began to shake his head, lines creasing his forehead.
Unclear as to what the action meant, Johnny took another step forward.
‘For the love of God, tell me, Noel.’
‘No. There’s no chance. Estelle is your daughter.’
Noel’s words bounced through Johnny’s head as he tried to grab hold of them and understand. He stayed put as Noel wrapped a hand around the back of his neck, pulling him until their foreheads touched.
‘I promise you, brother. Estelle is yours.’
Noel brought his other hand up to mirror the first, and they stood forehead to forehead, Noel’s grasp strong but familiar. Welcome, in a strange way. Comforting, even. They stood for a while, Johnny allowing more tears to fall. Eventually, he pulled away.
‘Thank you,’ he said.
‘The weirdest part of all of this is I never meant to hurt you,’ Noel said, the tremor in his voice transitory but not going unnoticed by Johnny.
‘How could it ever do anythingbuthurt me?’ Johnny asked.
‘No. I get that.’ Noel hung his head, then sucked in a breath. ‘She never told you we met years before you knew her, did she? When we were teenagers.’
‘What?’ This was news to Johnny.
‘Yeah. It doesn’t excuse what we’ve done to you, the fact that we had history. But we went out for a while, way back then. It didn’t work out, obviously, but when I saw her again, when you said how you’d fallen in love with her – it all came rushing back. I did my best to keep my distance. And it was obvious she’d moved on, forgotten all about me. At least, that’s what she said. It stung like hell, I can tell you.’
‘What are you saying, Noel? Are you trying to blame Natalie?’
‘It was as though we had unfinished business. Every time we were in the same room, I knew exactly where she was, all the time. Like she was some kind of magnet, and I was a pile of iron filings doing their best to stay away.’
Johnny shook his head. ‘I still don’t get what you’re trying to say. I went out with other women, before Natalie. Seeing them again doesn’t send my libido into overdrive. It doesn’t have me diving for crappy physics GCSE analogies.’
‘Yeah, well we’re not all as together as you, are we?’
‘I’ve never felt less together, Noel. I’m destroyed. That’s all I know. And right now, it’s looking like it’s all your fault.’
‘I’m not trying to shift the blame. I know it sits squarely at my door. You think I’m so strong, and confident, but I’m not. Bottom line is I’ve always been jealous of you, of the easy rapport you have with life. While I’m all bluster and noise. I know I have serious shortcomings, Johnny, there’s no need to try to make me feel better about it.’
‘Wasn’t going to.’
‘And the fact that you and Natalie had such a great relationship after she and I crashed and burned all those years before? It did nothing but add to my insecurities. So, when she began to flirt with me, I don’t know. I guess I lost my head. It’s not an excuse. I should have put her straight, should have told you what washappening. Should-a, could-a, would-a. Easier to say than to do, but I should have found a way. I was completely wrong, but all I’m trying to say is that it takes two to tango.’
It was a crap apology, if that was even what Noel had intended to deliver, coupling it as he had with the body blow that his wife had been complicit in what had happened between them. That she’d never told Johnny she already knew Noel. They’d both hidden their former relationship from him, then had rekindled it.
The revelations explained a few things, the shifts in his brother’s behaviour began to make more sense, but it was all far too little, way too late.
‘Your videocall that made you late for the Beaufoy wine tasting – was that her?’
Noel didn’t confirm or deny, which as good as answered his question. Johnny was surer than ever before – this was the moment in which he realised he was never going back to the life he had before, not in any form. It occurred to him that Natalie’s sudden plea for him to reconsider – it was all linked, and he was the one being taken for a fool. But he’d been taken advantage of for the last time.
‘You understand this is it. For us, I mean?’ Johnny said.
‘It doesn’t have to be,’ Noel said. ‘I fucked up, but you should take some time. Think things through. The business needs both of us.’
Johnny ignored the words, focusing on a final question, a far less important one than finding out about Estelle, but he needed to ask.
