‘I’m never saying, “My name is Lysander and I’m an addict.” I just want to put that out there right now.’
‘Deal.’
He squeezed her shoulders and climbed to his feet. ‘Right. Time to mix a cocktail or two, I think.’
Madeleine’s poker lesson had come to an end, and Tom crossed the living area and perched on the other end of the sofa.
‘How are you doing?’ he asked.
‘I’m OK.’ She frowned, shuffling against the pile of cushions to better face him.
‘How’s the pain?’
Clara had tried in vain to stop herself from screaming when her hands and feet had regained their feeling the night before. Luckily, Tom had been with her when it had happened. He had been there to tell her not to worry, that the intensity of the pain was normal. He’d held her as she sobbed, rocked her while it felt as if someone were degloving the skin from her hands and feet. ‘It’s nearly gone. Did I thank you?’
He settled back against the folds of the piece of furniture. ‘Nothing to thank me for, Clara.’ The burr in his voice rolled over the words. Then he frowned. ‘I should have said something earlier …’
‘About what?’
‘I wanted to say something when I found out about your family, but there’s nothing worse than someone saying they understand exactly what you’re going through, is there? Because it feels like nobody could even get close to what it’s like.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I lost my girlfriend.’ He ran a hand up the tattoos on his other arm, the fingers lingering on some lettering Clara hadn’t paid any attention to. ‘Just over two years ago, now.’ As he retracted his hand, she looked more closely. ‘Heather’ was inscribed on his skin, the word surrounded by an intricate web of foliage and flowers. ‘Stomach cancer. The doctors didn’t pick up on it because she was so young. “Atypical” was the word they used.’ His lips compressed as he drew in a slow breath. ‘I’m not saying it’s the same, not at all. I can’t imagine what it feels like to lose your baby. But I should have told you you’re not alone. That’s what I wanted to say, I just didn’t know how to.’
‘Oh, Tom, I’m so sorry.’
‘Thanks.’ He studied her for a few seconds, as if weighing up what to say next. ‘Thing is, I went heavy on the booze for a while afterwards. Nearly lost myself to it. I think I would have disappeared completely if I hadn’t gone cold turkey. It’s why I’m here, too, doing the season. It helps to keep moving onto new things. I was a chef in a hotel in Edinburgh; we both worked there. But I couldn’t stay afterwards. Too many memories. Anyway, it’s not about me, I don’t want you to think I’m making it about me.’ His fingers felt their way back to the patch of skin with the name tattooed on it. He rubbed his thumb absently over it. ‘I just want you to know there are people who want to help.’
‘You still miss her as badly?’ Clara asked. She recognised the look in his eye, wondered why she hadn’t seen it earlier in the week.
He drew in a deep breath. ‘It’s not as simple as that. Yes, I do. Some of the time. Then, sometimes I go for whole stretches of time when I don’t think about her at all. And then I feel guilty. That’s what I meant yesterday, when you asked if it would always feel so intense, and I said I didn’t know.’
Clara nodded. ‘I really enjoyed myself, the other day. And then I couldn’t contain how bad that made me feel.’ She sighed. ‘I just don’t know if I can do this.’
‘You can.’ Tom shuffled closer, taking one of her hands in his. ‘I’m the proof. Two years, three months, and a handful of days later, I’m still doing it. I won’t pretend there’s a miraculous cure. But it changes, it eases. And it will for you, too.’ He glanced around the room, and she looked up, too. Tania and Gull were no longer on the other sofa, they were standing with Lysander, whose blond hair she could just see behind Gull’s broad frame, ducking and flicking as he waved a cocktail shaker around with vigour. Rose and Madeleine were still at the dining table, playing cards. ‘And you’ve got your friends. Don’t underestimate them.’
‘I don’t. Only a fool would.’ She grinned at him, then the expression slid from her face. ‘Can we talk some more?’
‘Anytime.’ He reached into a pocket and pulled out his mobile. ‘We could swap numbers if you want.’
‘I’d like that. And maybe I could come back to the mountains. We could all come again. After all, you’re going to be here until the spring, aren’t you?’
‘Aye, and I could source a whole range of weird and wonderful cheeses ready for your next cheeseboard adventure, if you like.’
‘I would.’ She smiled. ‘That’s settled, then.’
‘Right, gather around everybody.’ Lysander’s voice cut through the room. ‘Christmas margarita time.’
Clara climbed to her feet, following Tom as they headed across the room. With a glass in everyone’s hand, Lysander held a hand up to gain their attention.
‘Unaccustomed as I am to making speeches,’ he said, pausing just long enough for Clara to recognise he was waiting for them to laugh, a tic in his eyebrow when she obliged him. ‘Thank you, Clara, my darling. As I was saying, unaccustomed as I am, certain events of the last few days have meant I feel the need to say something on this visit.’
‘Since when did you need an excuse to monopolise attention?’ Tania’s words could have been barbed. At the beginning of the week, Clara would have expected them to have been laced with venom. Instead, they were spoken with a level of indulgence she’d rarely heard before. Hard to miss the concern held in Tania’s glance, though. Lysander was high, and everyone in the room knew it.
‘Thanks for that, Tania,’ he said. ‘Never expect her to back down, Gull. Because she won’t.’
Gull tightened his hold on Tania’s waist. ‘I wouldn’t want her to.’
