Not for the first time, Rose found herself wishing she were braver. Wishing she could approach her life like Madeleine did, with a casual openness that belied her determination to remain true to herself and her feelings. It occurred to Rose that her own timidity, her desire to fit in, to not make waves, had caused her to waste so much time.
Her relationship with Lysander all those years ago had simply been the starting place for her own crippling self-doubts. And their continued sporadic contact, his occasional messages and sometimes downright nosiness about what Tania was up to; her inability to truly leave him behind and still be friends with Tania– just seemed to magnify her insecurities. But recognising shortcomings was one thing; doing something about them was quite another.
She could imagine Madeleine fronting up to an adversary without too much trouble, and Tania never took any nonsense from anybody. Even Clara– quiet and thoughtful Clara– was nobody’s fool. Rose wished she had their confidence.
But Rose had never managed to find the courage to properly confront Lysander about anything, let alone something as delicate as his relationship with his sister. Part of her remained keen to hide away from it. After all, it wasn’t really any of her business. Tania had always managed to take care of herself. Had a lifetime of dealing with the backstabbing nature of her family. She didn’t need any help from Rose. And for her part, Rose had become increasingly careful around Lysander. It was part of the reason why she hadn’t replied to his latest message– in case she unwittingly told him something she shouldn’t.
And this week certainly wasn’t the right time for any kind of major revelation, for Clara’s sake if nobody else’s. They were here to support and spend uncomplicated time with Clara, not untangle years of sibling rivalry. Nor were they here to broach the subject of Rose and Madeleine’s relationship status, however happy Madeleine might be to take that step.
Although Madeleine hadn’t seemed to mind when Rose requested an under-the-radar approach to their relationship for this holiday, it didn’t seem fair to her. It wasn’t as if they had been together for long, and– unlike Lysander– Madeleine never demanded anything that Rose wasn’t willing to give. Nevertheless, Rose had decided it would be easier all round to keep the status quo. Before they’d left the UK, she had told Madeleine she was doing it for Clara’s sake. That after what had happened, the last thing Clara needed was a new couple shoving their happiness in her face.
Rose’s frown deepened. Was it really for Clara’s benefit? Or was it more deeply embedded in the response she might receive from her oldest friends. It was strange, because none of them had ever expressed homophobic attitudes. But even though Rose knew this, the void between that knowledge and actually telling them remained crevasse-deep, and impossibly wide. It made no sense, but it was Rose’s reality. It was how she felt.
It was beginning to dawn on Rose that it might have been better to have found a way to get it into the light right at the start, when she first started seeing Madeleine. Or to have been open about things before this trip, or as soon as they arrived. Either way, now Lysander had added himself to the mix, things had become way too complicated for Rose’s tastes. The crevasse creaked and became ever wider, and even deeper.
‘If your thighs are on fire,’ Rose said, tuning out her thoughts and focusing on Madeleine, ‘then it’s definitely time to try the hot tub.’
Madeleine pulled a face.
‘No, seriously, you’ll love it. There’s nothing like it to ease sore muscles.’
‘Talking of hot tubs,’ Madeleine said, gesturing towards a figure approaching the lodge in the opposite direction. It was Tania, still in her ski trousers and jacket, but with snow boots and a woolly hat instead of ski gear. With her hands pushed way down in her pockets, she looked deep in thought, though her expression brightened when she saw them.
‘Did you have a good afternoon?’ she asked.
‘Yes, thanks. What happened to you?’ Rose said. ‘How come you’re not still out skiing?’
‘Gull took a bit of a fall, so it rather cut the afternoon short.’
‘Gull?’
Madeleine poked her with an elbow. ‘Hot tub guy.’ She looked at Tania. ‘At least, I presume that’s who you mean?’
Tania nodded. So much had happened in the last few hours that she’d forgotten the others didn’t even know his name. She bit her lip; she hadn’t even texted them to let them know she was back at Snow Pine Lodge.
‘Is he badly hurt?’ Madeleine asked.
‘Twisted his knee, but he’ll be fine.’ Tania noticed the frown creasing Rose’s forehead. ‘I know, I’m sorry. I should have let you know what was going on. It’s just that …’
Tania wasn’t sure how to complete the sentence. It was the reason she’d taken herself off for a walk. To give herself a chance to think about the fact that she’d arranged to meet Gull in Près du Ciel centre, that they’d settled on meeting for lunch, the following day, after she’d told him she wasn’t interested in another evening encounter ending in a clumsy proposition. They just about managed to agree on where to meet, but the verbal sparring had continued right up until the driver slid the minivan door closed on Gull and they drove away. It wasn’t until the van crunched over the icy kerb and disappeared around a corner, and she’d thought of the perfect comeback to his parting comment but was too late to say it, that she felt it. Again. That invisible pull in the direction the van had taken. In his direction.
She’d dated plenty of men, but Tania had always promised herself she would never fall in love. She was determined to remain in control of her emotions, in control of how she allowed other people to treat her, how she allowed them to make her feel. She had her reasons.
Her mother had fallen in love– in fact, her mother was still in love– with her father, and Tania’s whole life was testament to how that had turned out. Even though she had been thrown over for another woman, Tania’s mother remained loyal to her ex-husband. Strange and skewed family dynamics were the norm in Tania’s formative years, with her mother taking any crumb Anthony was willing to drop from his table. Being trotted out alongside Lysander, like a show pony, whenever the red-carpet event required a family bias, she learned early what ‘smile for the cameras’ really meant as Lysander secretly pinched and twisted at her skin with hard fingers if she dared stand in front of him. Second wife Brigitte turned a pitying, but essentially blind eye to what was going on, choosing to play the role of the perfect Hollywood wife.
Too much of Tania’s childhood had been spent listening to her mother cry, when she thought nobody was around, or enduring her mother’s list of excuses for her father’s behaviour. So, Tania had determined she would never allow herself to love someone deeply enough for them to make her feel the way her mother did about her father. No way was she going to end up like her. Desperately clinging to what had been, but which never would be again.
And so far, she never had. Tania had learned to enjoy men, to enjoy their company, but she’d never taken the next step. She’d never allowed any of them to get under her skin, not properly.
She wasn’t about to change her ways now, either. All she needed to do was decide how far she was going to let this thing with Gull go. On a physical level, at least. There was no point denying that the irritation she’d felt initially had given way to a certain level of attraction. He had managed to pique her interest, even though she knew next to nothing about him, and that was interesting in itself. She would just have to ignore the unfamiliar and rather unsettling way the base of her stomach drew attention to itself whenever he was around and enjoy the next few days.
The feeling was probably nothing more than something to do with the lodge chef’s cooking anyway, she thought.
‘It’s just that … what?’ Rose said.
Tania considered what to say, then settled on, ‘It’s just that I lost track of time. I’m sorry.’ She looked around. ‘Where’s Clara?’
‘She headed back a while ago,’ Rose said. ‘Haven’t you seen her?’
