‘You’re so good with clothes,’ Keera interjects. ‘Look at how you mended this dress.’
‘Fabulous,’ says Grazia, getting up to peer at the patchworked frill Keera is holding up. ‘Think of yourself like a curator of clothes.’
‘Now, the relationships …’ Rose goes on. ‘We need to look at what they mean to you. The first thing in my mind is how you invest so much in a relationship. How you’re vigilant for any sign of abandonment.
‘But another word keeps popping in: limerence.’
She smiles to herself, while everyone else looks confused.
‘Bear with me,’ says Rose, holding up a hand. ‘Limerence is an almost obsessive love where the most important thing is not the person but the miasma of love itself.’
India stares. What is this?
Limerence. It sounds like something you paint on your toes if you’ve got a toenail infection.
This cannot be her problem. And what about Lily-Blossom? She’d bared her soul there?
‘Limerence means that you are totally absorbed in thenotion of this new love,’ Rose is saying. ‘Before you really know the person, you’ve already created this vision in your head of a life you’re going to lead together. Is that a fair assessment of things, India?’
‘… Er, yes …’ mutters India, thinking back to her first love, Jake, and how she’d imagined them living together, imagined them cooking in the evening, laughing at the table and holding each other close in bed at night.
They would be each other’s perfect other.
Or at least he was going to beherperfect other.
‘Perhaps you put the concept of love on a pedestal,’ Rose is saying. ‘Achieving love was the main goal. But that’s not how it works for young men, in general terms. In a first relationship, they want fun, freedom, sex – not being tied in a relationship. It makes sense why they ran, India,’ Rose finishes.
‘Limerence sounds ridiculous,’ says India, rubbing her temples.
‘Is it like addictive behaviour?’ Keera asks Rose. ‘The looking for love or taking drugs is the byproduct of something in life. If you feel alone, you become addicted to finding partners?’
Sweet Keera, thinks India. Trying to workshop India’s stupidity.
But both Rose and Keera’s analyses make sense.
‘If your world view is that the world is a hard place and you need a partner to navigate it, then you will do everything in your power to have a partner. That’s your main aim, your attachment style, to use jargon. You romanticise the relationship early on.’
Rose pauses. ‘You are afraid of being abandoned. When you are, you search for the connection again.’
‘I’m such an idiot,’ India says quickly. Easier to say it herself than have anyone else say it.
‘No, you’re not,’ says Keera. ‘We all fall in love and imagine it’ll be for ever. I mean, who goes out on a date thinking it’s going to end in a week? Nobody.’
‘Exactly,’ agrees Rose. ‘Negative feelings about yourself are a huge part of this. Therapy can change how you feel about yourself, change the negative self-talk. We’re unpacking this so you can go forward in a different way, India. Next time you fall for someone, you won’t automatically envision life with them for ever. That’s putting huge pressure on both you and the date.’
‘How do I stop myself doing that?’ says India. She still feels exhausted from talking about wanting a baby. This new theory is making her feel stupid as well as tired. She wants it all to end, now.
‘You know what it is now,’ says Rose kindly. ‘The thing about patterns is that once you identify that there is a pattern, you can learn to avoid making that mistake again. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.’
India and Keera nod at that.
‘Your future does not rely on random people, India. It lies with you.’
Rose wants to give time for all of this to sink in but they’re running out of morning now.
‘Did you ever talk about having children with any of the men you’ve been involved with?’ she asks delicately.
‘Of course not,’ says India and, as soon as she says it, she knows it’s the stupidest thing she’s ever said.
