Stu looked at her. ‘How do you know all of this?’
‘I’ve been researching, darling. Can we talk?’
‘Talk about what?’ he said dully.
Meg got them back on the motorway. She knew there was no point in kicking him out of the car.
‘Talk about us and the future,’ she said.
‘OK.’
‘No, Stu,’ she said again. ‘Not me give out to you and you listen and be angry.’
He was silent. But she knew he was looking at her, watching her.
‘Before, I didn’t understand what was going on. I knew you were gambling and I thought you could stop.’
The silence from his side of the car was deafening.
‘But I’ve been researching, Indy’s been helping me. She said it’s a disease and if we treat it like a disease and you get meetings with a twelve-step group, then you have some hope of getting better. But if you don’t, you can’t.’
Still silence from the other side of the car.
‘You’re an addict and I love you, so there’s no point wishing you’re going to get better, I have to try and be there with you, as you try and get better. But it’s up to you.’
‘Yeah, well, that’s why I’m going to this place,’ he muttered.
‘You know, Stu, if you’re just going there for me, it’s not going to work.’
Meg felt her eyes fill up, which she knew was very dangerous when driving. She rubbed a hand over each eye.
‘I love you and I’d love us to be together, which is why I married you. Eden thinks I was nuts.’
Stu laughed at this. ‘You’ve got to hand it to Eden,’ he said, ‘she speaks her mind.’
‘She gets that from you,’ commented Meg, ‘you speak your mind too.’
‘Not all the time,’ Stu admitted. ‘Not when I’m trying to cover stuff up.’
‘Yeah, but that’s it,’ Meg said urgently. ‘That’s what I’ve been finding out from reading articles online. This stops you being fundamentally honest. And we can’t go forward as a couple unless you are, because I’ll always be wondering. I’ll always be wondering every time you go out if you’re going out to drink and then to gamble, because you’ve always drunk too much, and when you drink too much, you gamble.’
‘I don’t always drink and gamble,’ Stu said calmly. ‘Sometimes I just gamble.’
‘Which is worse, do you think? Which is strongest in you?’ Meg said.
‘Don’t know,’ Stu admitted. ‘I can’t stop when I start. I say I’m going to put just one bet on and then, suddenly, I think I’m going to get the money back, win it back. I’m in the hole and I’m stuck and I think I’ll win the money back and it will be all right.’
He was animated now as he tried to explain. ‘It’s like this virus racing through me, this fiery energy, and I think, I’ll bet on another horse, I’ll make it work. And I’ll have a drink and I’ll bet again and – and I lose it. Then I have another drink to make up for losing.’
Meg reached out and grabbed his hand. He held hers tightly between both of his.
‘I’m sorry I never explained it to you before, but I was ashamed, still am ashamed. I lost us our home.’
It was the first time he’d ever enunciated this fact to her. Meg felt her eyes fill up again and, this time, she didn’t rub the tears away.
‘I know,’ she croaked. ‘I was very angry for a long time about that. I was angry about Lori. And about poor Chloe. I was angry about so many things. But this is new, this is a new start, and this place we’re going to is part of it. But only if you take it, only if you actually enter into it, for you first, not for us, you’ve to do it for you. Because if you don’t want to do it, it’s a waste of time and I won’t be there when you come out. From now on, it’s transparency, Stu. Transparency all the way.’
He squeezed her hand even more tightly. ‘I want it to work,’ he said. ‘I’ll make it work.’
