Finn and Sid are arm in arm and about to leave.
‘Good luck,’ Sid mouths as she hugs me goodbye.
‘I don’t know, I really think that woman has something psychic going on, because it’s like she can see into my head,’ I say to Finn.
‘She’s good at watching people, she picks things up that other people don’t. Fabulous, isn’t she?’ he says, love in his eyes.
‘Yes,’ I say, ‘fabulous.’
Bea has sent money to Rachel. I still haven’t been able to see her. But I think I will afterwards, because I understand better now: human vulnerability, how complicated life is. It’s harder to get my head round the notion that one person can be oureverything, while that one person doesn’t feel the same way. When that person needs more. Much more, so much more that it tears you apart.
We pile into the car. We are driving in convoy. At the airport we hug and even though I really meant not to cry, I do.
‘I’m going to miss you, honey,’ I say, ‘but this is going to be so good for you. Just be careful. I want you to come back safe, strong, having used your brains to take care of yourselves. It’s a big adventure, everyone deserves a big adventure.’
‘I know.’ My girl is grown.
The two families stand there as the girls go off. We turn to walk back to the car park. And Louise and I fall into walking beside each other.
‘It just feels awful having them gone,’ says Louise.
‘I know,’ I say. ‘But we always knew they were going to go at some point and this is just the first little going.’
‘I suppose,’ says Louise tearfully. ‘Do you think you guys would come over to us for takeaway dinner tonight, maybe fill the gap, make this all feel not so lonely?’
‘No,’ I say, ‘sorry, just something I’ve got to do.’
‘OK,’ says Louise, ‘maybe another time.’
‘Another time.’
We drive home and on the way drop Joey at his best friend’s house.
‘I’ll be back in two hours,’ I say, as I watch him go the front door and ring the doorbell and see him ushered inside.
‘It’ll take his mind off his big sister,’ Nate says. He doesn’t know my real plan.
Nate sits down at the kitchen table when we get home. ‘Nothing feels quite the same, does it?’
‘No,’ I say.
All the way home I’d been going over what I was about to say. I’ve been thinking about it for a month, actually. I decided I’d wait until Rachel was gone. Because that way she’d be away having fun when her father left. It’s going to be tricky with Joey and I hate putting him through the pain but having parents living a lie is not going to do him any favours. He’ll grow up thinking it’s fine to cheat on your wife, the way Dom has grown up thinking it’s fine to be a perpetual teenager. At least he’s got his own place now and has learned – Sue would be pleased – that there is no laundry fairy.
‘So Nate, you and I: the future.’
He looks at me cautiously. ‘What do you meanthe future?’
‘Our future,’ I say brightly. ‘Or rather, our lack of future.’
‘Course we have a future, we have everything, we’ve kids, we’ve family, we’ve a mortgage,’ he says, his usual bullish self.
‘What we have is a very loyal wife, two beautiful kids, one an adult and one a child. And one husband who doesn’t take anything seriously. Who thinks we are all at his beck and call. Who takes me for granted, who’s clearly been spending our money on someone else.’
His face flushes.
‘I’ve found I’m really talented at forensic accountancy,’ I say. ‘It’s amazing. Sid has a friend who helped me with that.’
He’s still brazening it out. ‘Sid! You brought Sid into this? She’ll tell Finn.’
