‘Mum, he’s six years younger than me. And when a woman is older it’s counted in dog years. People have no trouble with the wholeolder-man-younger-woman dynamic but they’re very cruel when it’s reversed.’
‘But you don’t care what people think,’ says Mum, happily.
‘No, I don’t care what people think, but Sean isthirty-seven.Thirty-seven-year-old young guys want women who can have kids with them. I don’t want any more children and I don’t know if I could have one even if I started now. I’m happy with Luke.’
‘I just want to see you settled.’
I think of Nate and Marin and everything that has gone on. How can any relationship be settled? They were together for so long.
‘Mum, I don’t think I can date anyone, not after what happened with Marin and Nate.’
‘That wasn’t your fault.’ My mother play slaps my knee which is the only safe bit to touch when I’m driving. ‘Stop this,’ she says, ‘stop punishing yourself. One day, darling Luke is going to go off and have a life and you are going to be sitting there with nothing. Because you gave everything to him. And you can’t do that. Whatever you believe in, Bea, you must believe that there can be happiness again. Maybe you won’t find someone forever, but you might have ten beautiful years with a new man. Or maybe you’ll have a few years before you grind up some glass and put it in his porridge.’
I burst out laughing at the thought that my mother even knows such a thing.
‘Don’t laugh,’ she says, ‘we read lots of different types of books in the book club. So what’s wrong with going out with Sean? I know you’re going to be terribly shocked with me when I say this – go to bed with him, sleep with him. Let Luke see that his mother can have relationships. Don’t drag him home by his hair and say, Luke, go and play your Xbox. Do it gently, slowly. Lord knows, you haven’t introduced anyone to him up to now, so it’s not as if Luke has had a litany of “uncles” coming into his life. So why not go out for a drink with Sean and eventually drag him up to your lair.’
‘I did get rid of the mattress.’
‘Well, that was a very good idea,’ says my mother, in amatter-of-fact tone.
‘Mum, you are surprising me tonight, you really can’t hold your alcohol.’
We pull into her driveway where the light above the door is on, shining a warm amber, lighting up the pots underneath it. I stop the car and turn off the engine.
‘I know, dear. Your father always said that.’
I reach over and give her the biggest hug possible in a small car. ‘I’ve been mean to you – Sean’s already asked me out and I said yes.’
‘Brat,’ she says, laughing. ‘I’m so thrilled. You’ve waited far too long. Sean might show you some fun and it’ll get you used to going out at night. And stop beating yourself over the head because of Nate.’
‘It’s Marin,’ I think, ‘it’s Marin I feel so bad about.’
‘Maybe one day you’ll be able to talk to her, I don’t know. But life moves on, darling, and if anyone knows that, you do.’
She’s right. It’s true for both me and Luke. It’s time to move on.
46
Sid
Finn has been renovating his apartment and he’s asked me to move in with him when it’s finished. I’m dithering but, secretly, I want to. When I first saw it, I loved it because it’s in an old Georgian building and it’s so elegant and unusual.
It’s so lived in. It’s full of stuff and it’s not dusty.
‘Do you have OCD?’ I ask, as I wander around picking up odd things and looking at them and saying: ‘What is this?’
‘It’s an astrolabe,’ he says.
‘It’s very nicely polished, anyway; you must be a very good housekeeper.’
‘Someone has to come in and do it,’ he says, grinning.
He shows me how to use it.
‘I love this sort of stuff,’ he says happily, one hand on my waist as he puts it back.
I love the way he touches me as if he can’t bear to let me out of reach. In fact, I adore it. ‘Must be a nightmare to polish.’
