‘Yes, a future. Now either you can deal with me having been raped, and you might not be able to, or you can’t, but, either way, what we have just had is amazing.’
‘Of course I can ... I’ve the most amazingly strong warrior woman ever here. I’m not going anywhere. You’ve got me for good.’
‘OK,’ I say. ‘That’s wonderful.’ And I reach forward and I kiss him. Kiss this beautiful man who has given me back something I never thought I’d have again. And I have it because I was finally ready, I managed to let go.
I loved Marc, but we had held each other back. Together, we’d just stayed in our little cosy prison cell. And his leaving had allowed me out. He’d unlocked the door and now I was in the world again and I’d found Finn. I was free.
44
Marin
The person who has helped me most while Nate has been in hospital is April. I never ever thought she could help me through something like this. Help me through anything. My whole life, I’ve been helping April, being her confidante, cheering her up when she’s been dumped, hiding what’s going on in her life from Ma’s prying ears, rescuing her. Now she’s rescuing me. It’s quite astonishing.
‘What’s different, April?’ I say, in the morning as we are changing the bed in the spare room, getting it ready for Nate. Ostensibly, the reason he’s going to be sleeping in the spare room is because he’s had stents delivered via the angiogram and he must not have the groin area banged into. So this is our excuse to keep him safe. In reality, it’s because I cannot have him back in my bed. But to everyone, to Rachel and Joey, who are so excited and thrilled he’s coming home; to his mother, who has been on the phone three times already; even to Steve, Nate’s return is the most wonderful thing ever. Steve has already discussed a party. Unfortunately, he said it to Rachel on the phone, who ran upstairs, her eyes shining, saying ‘Mum, wouldn’t that be wonderful, you know how much Dad loves parties and we could welcome him home with something fantastic like that, it would be brilliant.’
She’s grown up so much in the last few months of working. I’m going to miss her when she goes off on hersix-monthround-the-world trip with Megan, which is happening in just a few weeks’ time. And then I think how young she still is, because I’m still fooling her by not saying,He was with Bea, the person you consider your auntie, the night he was in hospital.
‘Oh a party is not a good idea,’ says April swiftly.
I beam at her.
‘No,’ April goes on, ‘he needs time to rest and recuperate and then maybe a wonderful big party sometime in the summer,’ she says. ‘Have the family and a few friends over when he comes home, that’s all, just for a pot of tea and then off again. Your father will need to rest.’
‘Dad would love a big party and I won’t be here in the summer,’ says Rachel, suddenly forlorn.
‘We’ll wait till you have come home and you are ready to start college,’ says April. ‘Your father will love that and he’ll be strong by then, because he has to take care and do exercises and things.’
‘Yes, you’re right,’ says Rachel thoughtfully. And April shoots me a side eye that gives me the message that the only exercising Nate will be doing if she has her way will be trying to pull a knife out of his heart; she has said as much. And I laugh. I think I might be going nuts. I was given twenty Xanax by my doctor and I am eking them out, to make sure I don’t completely lose the run of myself and giggle at some inopportune moment. Because everyone else is treating Nate getting out of hospital like the return of the king, when to me it’s the return of the lying, cheating scumbag. Now that he’s getting better, the fear of losing him has subsided and the rage over what he did has reared its head.
‘Now, are we all ready to go to the hospital?’ says April. She’s coming, even though it will be a bit of a squash, even in Nate’s bigsuper-duper car. She knows I can’t bear to be on my own with him. Not yet, I have to build myself up to it. I know this is the right thing to do, it’s the right thing to do for our family. I need to hear him explain what happened and tell me how he came to be with Bea, and we can hardly get into that in the hospital. April bustles us out, managing us all.
Finn has been there for me too. Darling Finn, I believe him that he had no idea. But he’s talking to Bea as well, and I can’t hear about her yet. We came close to falling out when he tried to explain it all to me.
‘Marin, I’ve talked to Bea and it was one night when she was at an emotional low. He had the heart attack because he came around again and she threatened to call the police if he didn’t go, and that set him off...’
‘Stop,’ I said, ‘I don’t want to hear it. Not now. Not yet. I don’t want to know, Finn, and if that’s the message you’re bringing from her, well, then, bring it right back.’
‘I’m not bringing any message from her,’ he says. ‘It’s just the way it is. And you need to talk to her.’
‘I don’t need to talk to anyone. I’m just trying to get through every day as it comes. The man I loved has betrayed me. Do you understand that?’
‘I understand,’ he says. ‘And I’m so sorry. But it’s not what you think.’
‘I know exactly what it is,’ I say to Finn, ‘don’t try and dress it up. I know you are trying to make it better because you’re his friend, and Bea’s too. But I don’t want to hear it.’
And now I’m bringing him home for the first time in weeks.
It’s amazing how, after having three stents put in and being told he’ll have to be monitored and be on aspirin and all sorts of cholesterol drugs for the rest of his life, Nate still looks sickeningly healthy. Paler, yes, but that’s just because he’s been trapped inside.
‘Oh Dad, you look tired,’ says Rachel, holding on to her dad. Then there’s Joey’s delighted face, as he hangs off his father’s other side. And I know I have got to keep doing this for my kids.
Within half an hour, we’re home. And despite all plans not to have even the smallest party, everyone, it seems, has turned up to greet us.
There’s my mother, who throws herself at Nate, even though I have never really thought she liked him. Dominic hugs him tightly. Dear Dom hasn’t a clue but his heart is in the right place.
Dad is gentle. ‘Good man, Nate,’ he says, ‘good man. Bit of gardening, that’s what you need. It’s very good for the heart. If you look at all the head gardeners at all the big gardens around the country, you will see that they all liveforty-five years from when they’re made head gardener. This is the interesting bit,’ Dad goes on, ‘they are all made head gardener when they are fifty. So, you see, it’s a real area of work where people live a long time. Gardening: it’s the way forward.’
‘Oh Denis, shut up. Nobody wants to hear about head gardeners,’ says Ma, rudely.
