‘When the hospital phoned Marin, she turned up and Bea was there.’
‘Very brave to wait it out,’ I say. ‘She knew that, somehow, it would come out that she was with Nate, so she stayed to face the music. That’s brave.’ I move and sit closer to Finn and pat him gently on the hand.
‘I’m really sorry,’ I say. ‘How’s Marin, have you been to see her?’
He shakes his head. ‘Not yet. I will. She’s angry but she hasn’t been angry with him, and she can’t tell the kids. I wish I could help but I can’t. And the thing is,’ he looks at me with anguished eyes now, ‘I had no idea. I see Nate all the time. We swim, we used to cycle but not anymore, we talk in the sauna – I know this man, he’s like my brother. And yet I didn’t know that he had this double life, I didn’t know he could do this to Marin. He’s very flirty, you know. He must have done this before.Jean-Luc was our friend. If he can seduce his widow, then I don’t know what sort of person he is.’
I can tell he’s getting angry now.
‘Sometimes people surprise you, shock you,’ I say, calmly. I know all this for a fact.
‘Did you suspect?’ Finn looks at me quickly.
‘I’m not sure I liked Nate that much. I’m good at reading people and I think he left Marin to do all the work. He was very keen on Angie, too, which wasn’t nice. He kept talking to her and at worst it was a type of emotional infidelity, ignoring poor Marin slaving away, and, who knows where that can lead to. If I was Marin,’ I considered, ‘I’d probably go into the hospital and pull out all Nate’s leads.’
Finn looks at me and for the first time he laughs.
‘You would, wouldn’t you.’
‘Yep, every single one of them. I mean, that’s probably technically murder or attempted murder, depending how fast the doctors and nurses got there, but, you know, I would want to get my point across.’
‘You’re amazing,’ says Finn, and he looks relaxed for the first time since he arrived. ‘Seriously, what would you do really if you were Marin, not just go into the hospital and pull out all the plugs?’
I look at him and answer honestly.
‘I think all myneuro-pathways would be standing in a cornerchain-smoking and having anxiety attacks, and I’d be wondering what I had done wrong.’
He looks at me. ‘You wouldn’t have done anything wrong.’
I take a breath. He sees me, I think.
‘Sorry for barging in on a Saturday morning but I’ve been thinking about it all day yesterday, couldn’t sleep last night, and I just needed to talk to someone about this. Steve is trying to take care of Angie who’s taking it really badly.’
‘It’s upsetting,’ I say, ‘when people you have known forever and are close to you suddenly do something that’s abhorrent to you. It changes how you feel about them, changes how you feel about everyone, about life in general. Pulls the rug from under your feet.’ I was speaking from experience now. ‘Marin is going to need all the friends she can get. And even though you started off as Nate’s friend, you are her friend too, so be there for her and the kids. Be there for Steve, because it’s tricky, he’ll probably be rethinking Nate and Angie now.’
I make Finn eat a few biscuits.
‘What are you going to do next?’ I say.
‘I don’t know – go into the hospital and rage at Nate. I don’t blame Bea. I honestly don’t. I have never seen a sign of this with her. She’s so dedicated to Luke, it’s like she won’t allow herself to have a life. To mess with that ... she’s had enough pain. I’m so angry with Nate.’
‘Good,’ I say, ‘rage you can work with.’
I hand him the whole packet of biscuits.
‘I know this is not goodswimmer-cycling-person food, but it will help. You need sugar.’
I was about to stand up, give him the signal that it was OK, that he could go and be with his friends. And suddenly I realise I don’t want him to go. I want to comfort him, I want him to stay with me. I want him to comfort me, and it’s really hard to get my brain to process this. Because my body has already processed it and worked it out, but my brain hasn’t quite caught up yet. But if the body can remember trauma, it can let it go too, slowly. I’ve been healing for a while and Finn’s been a big part of that.
Despite hearing about poor Marin and Bea, and scuzzy Nate, I have this lovely man in my flat. I’m in my pyjamas and he’s having the effect on me that he always has on me. The one I can’t quite believe I am capable of. The feeling of wanting him to hold me naked and kiss me and I want to kiss him back. I want us to be in bed together. I want to feel him, touch him, let him touch me, kiss him. And I stop thinking, because he’s staring at me as if he can see right into my brain.
‘Are you OK?’ says Finn.
‘Fine,’ I say. ‘I’m thinking of tonight and how much I’ve been looking forward to it. And now, instead of having to wait for tonight, I don’t have to.’ And before I know what I’m doing I say, ‘I want you to kiss me.’
‘Are you sure?’ His voice is low. And I know absolutely without being told, without going through my brain, but with purely going through what I sense, that he knows I’ve been hurt.
And that he’s asking my permission.
