‘Finn!!!’ yells Luke, delighted to see his favourite uncle.
Will Finn still be a part of our lives now that he knows what I’ve done? He knows me, surely?
I get out warily.
‘Afternoon,’ I say.
‘Hello, Bea,’ he says gently. ‘Just thought I’d pop around, see how the two little biscuit monsters were.’
‘They’re not biscuit monsters,’ says Luke happily as the two of them extract the dogs from the car, a tricky task at the best of times. ‘They do like biscuits, though.’
I open up and let us inside. Nate’s jacket is not lying on the floor because I remembered to bring it in the ambulance. If only I’d let them take him on his own but I couldn’t. If something happened, he needed to have someone he knew with him and despite knowing exactly what it would mean, I’d chosen to go with him in the ambulance.
‘Bring the girls out the back and see if they poo in our garden too,’ I say in a faux cheery voice to Luke.
Once I’ve let him and the girls into the garden, I boil the kettle and face the window, looking at my son, waiting for judgement. But I’ve been so busy castigating myself, I’ve forgotten I am with Finn. He is not a man who judges.
‘Talk to me, Bea,’ he says. ‘Marin thinks you spent the night with Nate, have been spending lots of nights with Nate, because you were with him in the hospital...’
I sigh.
‘I wish I could tell you she was wrong but I can’t,’ I say. ‘I was with Nate last night but –’ this sounds so hollow and lame – ‘he’d come in the week before to fix a leak in the kitchen, and I was feeling vulnerable and he –’
‘He moved in,’ he finishes.
I nod. I still can’t look at him.
‘Last night he just turned up. Shazz had taken Luke because I was sick with guilt andself-hate all week. I wasn’t sleeping, was sick, so she said – she didn’t know what had happened – that I needed a rest.’ I laugh without humour. ‘She had Luke on a sleepover so I could sleep and Nate turned up here unannounced, ready to rock and roll again. I said no, Finn.’
I finally turn away from the window. ‘I said no. I told him to leave or I’d call the police and that’s when he had the attack.’
Finn looks as if the whole of mankind has let him down. That’s two beautiful people whom I love that I’ve managed to hurt.
‘I had to accompany him to the hospital. What if he –’
‘Died?’
I nod.
Finn shrugs. ‘You did what you thought was right.’
‘But it didn’t turn out to be right, did it?’ I say. Then I ask the question I’ve wanted to ask, the one which is ludicrous because I know the answer in my heart.
‘How’s Marin?’
Finn, who danced at my wedding, whom I would call one of my closest friends, looks at me sadly: ‘How do you think?’ he says.
I start to cry. I feel so hopeless and now I’m losing Finn too. One night lost me Marin and now Finn will join her in the list of people who will cross the road if they see me coming.
But Finn hugs me like the brother I’ve always felt him to be.
‘It’s OK, Bea,’ he says, holding me tight.
I sob into his shoulder. ‘I never meant it to happen,’ I sob.
‘Of course you didn’t,’ he says. ‘You wouldn’t think of it, but men are different, Bea, and Nate –’ He pauses. ‘I hate what he did,’ he says. ‘He messed you and Marin up. I can’t forgive him for that.’
‘I can’t forgive me,’ I say tearfully.
