Golden leaves with a background of hills made me buy it, along with delicate writing redolent of ancient times. A Chianti.
I take the glass from him, drink some and wipe my eyes with one of the napkins. Dan unwraps his arms from me and almost automatically, I cut some cheese and eat it.
‘What happened?’
‘The three of us sat and Elisa talked about themake-up and what bloggers she’d been talking to. It’s a whole new world out there, darling,’ he said, ‘but she seems to know what she’s talking about and Lexi certainly does.’
‘Did she ask anything about Lexi, though?’ I rasp out.
‘Yes. She wanted to know about school, although she doesn’t have much of a grasp of the educational system, given that she went through it herself. But then ...’ Dan looks into the distance ‘... Elisa and her gang were great ones for bunking off school. Lexi said she’s doing her Junior Cert exam next year and Elisa said it used to be called the Inter Cert in our day, and she asked what subjects Elisa liked.’
I could feel fear rise up in me, different yet worse than The Fear that comes in the middle of the night when I relive my mugging.
Elisa was interested? What did thismean?I would not let her take Lexi from me.
‘Why’s she so fascinated now?’ I ask flatly.
Dan shrugged. ‘Don’t know.’
My fear coalesces into one lethal spear point.
‘You need to find out,’ I say to him and my voice is cold. ‘Or I will.’
Leaving everything where it is, I head upstairs again and into our room. Within moments, I am in bed, sleeping tablet swallowed. I cannot face this right now. Dan is ignoring the danger Elisa poses to our life. She cannot ruin what we have. I won’t let her.
I have to pretend I have a cold the next morning: it’s the only way to explain my reddened eyes and the hollows underneath them.
I can’t cope with Dan at all because I feel that he’s brought all of this on top of us.
I pretend to drink a lemon and paracetamol hot drink during breakfast and blow my nose a lot as I ask Lexi how she got on the evening before.
‘It was wonderful,’ she says, eyes shining. ‘Elisabetta’s got this plan for what she’s going to do next: she wants to build a ... What was it, Dad?’
Dan looks at me from under hooded lids. ‘Lifestyle blog,’ he supplies.
‘Yes! Isn’t that cool! She wants my advice too because she says younger people are the way forward.’
I’m sure that’s a song lyric but say nothing narky. ‘Lovely,’ I say, dredging up some enthusiasm from somewhere.
‘She wants to see me again soon but we don’t know when we can fit it in,’ Lexi adds and that’s when I look at Dan, stricken.
This is one half of what I am afraid of: that Elisa’s friendship is casual and therefore will destroy Lexi when she realises it. If, on the other hand, it’s a real attempt to connect with herlong-lost child, I will be destroyed.
Dan and I keep gazing at each other. In the grand scheme of things, Lexi is the one who must be taken care of. I know that.
She is mine but not a possession. She is entitled to have this relationship with her birth mother.
Under the guise of tidying, I pass Dan and hug him briefly.
‘Sorry,’ I mutter to him. ‘It’s just ...’
He puts a long arm around my waist. ‘We can manage,’ he says in a low voice. ‘Our family can get through this.’
After I drive everyone to school, I sit in the car and search for victim support meetings. There are lunchtime ones, helplines. I need something now. In two days, Lexi will be off school and will be starting her ballet camp, which is shorter than the school day. The summer is a tough time for the working mother, so I need to get myself organised now.
I don’t want to spill my guts to anyone but if it helps, if I am calmer and able to sleep like a normal person, then I can handle all the rest of my life better. I search up another victim support meeting and make myself go.
STRENGTH meets in a church parish hall at 1 p.m. and as soon as I enter, I feel out of place. I am easily the oldest person there and while I don’t know the exact statistics on crime, I do not think that only older people are victims.
