Lexi’s eyes widen.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she says, and sits on the bed beside Elisa and hugs her.
I sit on the other side and put my arm around Elisa too.
‘You’re so nice. I wish I had friends like you,’ says Elisa and tears start to fall down her face, not helping the dripping mascara situation at all.
‘You do,’ I say. ‘You have me and Lexi.’
‘Yeah,’ says Lexi.
‘I’m going back to Spain, next week.’
‘You can visit, stay with your mum and dad,’ Lexi says. ‘The house is so big, they’ve loads of room.’
‘Suppose,’ agrees Elisa.
And I realise that Lexi has a look of both her birth mother and darling Dan but that her spirit is all her own.
24
This is the beginning of the life you want
It’s the Monday after our successful dinner party and I am walking on air.
All the Markhams have been phoning to say hello, they adore Lexi, the party was gorgeous and they’re really sorry about Elisa.
Oh, and can we do it again soon.
That night, everyone’s asleep except Dan and me, and I have a pain inside me at what I must do next. How can I tell him? That I haven’t been slowly getting off sleeping tablets, that I’ve been lying, that I feel devastated sometimes but have hidden it because ...? Because of what? Because I was afraid of letting all the balls drop?
We clamber into bed and he’s about to do what he does many nights, which is hug me, plant a kiss on my mouth, then roll over and say, ‘Love you, honey, night night.’
I don’t give him the chance.
‘Dan, I have something to tell you.’
He sits up and stares at me, those dark eyes watchful in the dim light of the landing, which must be kept on for the children.
He says nothing and I know I’ve got to come out and say it straight up.
I gulp: ‘I’m still taking sleeping tablets and I need to come off them. I need you to help. I’ve been lying to you. I’m sorry.’
And then he holds me tight, and I’ve never felt more loved – or more of a betrayer. Sleeping with an entire philharmonic orchestra wouldn’t be as bad as hiding this from him. Sure, all partners have secrets, but small ones – how they really look so good (moustache bleaching), that their old girlfriend always asks after you when they bump into her at work events (she says, ‘Are you still with what’s her name? I know you’re not over me’). Secrets that are unimportant to a real partnership.
But this ... This is different.
How many times has he asked me about the sleeping tablets and I have lied every time. Every single time.
‘I know,’ he says quietly.
We sit there in utter silence.
‘How?’
‘I know where you keep them,’ he says.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say. Such a hopeless phrase. ‘I thought I could get better myself, deal with the fear, stop taking the tablets but I haven’t and now, it’s going to be awful giving them up. I feel ashamed. Of staying on them and lying to you.’
