I hate that I’ve hurt her tonight when I only came to help. I want to reach out for her, but I don’t have any gentleness in me right now.
I’ve hurt Evelyn too. But her pain is for me.
And that only makes my self-directed contempt burn even more intensely.
I want to punch something.
More than anything, I need to release the pressure of the rage that’s swirling inside me.
I know where I would go if Evelyn weren’t with me. But I haven’t stepped foot in one of Jared Rush’s anonymous sex clubs since I met her.
I can’t do it now, even though it would be the easiest, safest outlet for the volatility churning inside me. All I do know is that Evelyn won’t be safe with me tonight.
Maybe not ever, if I am being honest with myself . . . and with her.
I grab her hand. “I need to get you out of here.”
27
~ Evelyn ~
I have never seen Gabe this way.
The terrifying silence that filled the drive back to the city has deepened into a black and expanding void as we exit his car and walk up to his apartment. I can feel the rage that has cloaked him since his confrontation with his father.
I can feel the pain in him too.
I’ve been too uncertain to try to reach him while we were in the car, too afraid he would reject my compassion. Now, as we enter his apartment, all I want is to bridge the chasm I fear is opening up between us tonight.
He walks ahead of me into the darkness, pausing just inside to turn on the light switch. I close the door behind me and move toward him, placing my palm gently on his shoulder. His muscles are tense beneath his dark T-shirt.The firm sinews flinch at my contact, his spine going rigid.
“Are you all right?” I whisper, pressing a kiss to his back. He lets his breath go, a restrained exhalation that only confirms the fact that, no, he is not all right at all. Not even close. I wrap my arms around him from behind. “I’m sorry about what happened with your father tonight.”
I feel him take air into his lungs, but he doesn’t respond. His strong hands cover my forearms where they are banded loosely around his waist. Instead of holding on to me, he opens the circle of my embrace and steps out of it.
“You need to stay away from me right now,” he says, without turning around to look at me. His deep voice sounds wooden, edged with a strange tension I don’t understand. “I don’t need consoling. All I need is space.”
Since he won’t tolerate my hands on him, I wrap my arms around myself. The warmth helps, because staring at his back, I am suddenly feeling very cold.
He doesn’t seem to want to talk to me any more than he wants me touching him, but I can’t let him bear his anger and pain without letting him know that I am here for him. God, he has to know that. I want him to know I always will be.
“I think being alone is the last thing you really need right now, Gabe.”
His answering scoff is barely audible. He says nothing, just walks away from me, heading toward the bedroom at the back of the hallway. Each step he takes feels like a mile to me. I feel empty, confused . . . rejected.
But I go after him anyway.
I enter the bedroom and see he’s got my duffel bagin his hand. He starts gathering my things and placing them inside. The pair of sneakers I wore to the basketball game. The camisole I left folded on the nightstand after our lovemaking moved from the kitchen countertop to the bed this morning.
“What are you doing?”
“You can’t be here tonight. I’m taking you home where you belong.” He walks past me to the hallway bathroom to continue removing all evidence of me from the apartment. My hair dryer and makeup bag. The case that holds my toothbrush.
“I thought you invited me to stay here for the weekend. It’s not over until tomorrow.”
He slants me a regretful look. “This weekend was a nice little fantasy. But that’s all it was. That’s all it can be.”
“What are you talking about?” I am standing in the open doorway of the bathroom, effectively blocking him inside. I know he would never hurt me, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m facing off against a caged tiger. Something wild and dangerous. “Gabe, there is nowhere else I want to be. I just want you to talk to me. Please.”
