“How did you get through? How did you cope?”
“I don’t know. I’m still trying.”
It’s a glib reply, yet there is a lot of truth in it too. I could leave it at that, and I probably should. But talking to Evelyn is easier than I thought it could be. Maybe it’s because I have no reason to try to impress her. Or maybe it’s because I sense we’re both fighting similar demons in some ways. Both of us still trying to claw our way into the light, onto safe and solid ground.
“I was engaged when I deployed for Afghanistan,” I tell her. “My high school girlfriend, Tracy. I was young and stupid. I guess we both were.”
“Did you love her?”
I nod, then it turns into a shrug. “I thought I did. I wanted to know I had someone back home who gave a shit about me, other than my mom and my brothers. I wasn’t thinking about what I was truly asking from her. When I woke up in the military hospital and saw her face, I knew she wouldn’t stay. I’d been gone half as long as we’d been together. We hardly knew each other by that time. I was looking at long months of recovery and rehab. She wasn’t prepared to travel that road with me, and it wouldn’t have been fair for me to expect it of her. I was still living at Walter Reed in Bethesda when she moved out of our place three months later.”
Evelyn’s brows pinch. “I’m sorry. That must’ve been very hard.”
“It was better, easier, not having to worry about Tracy while I was recovering. I focused on my rehab, threw myself into it because it was all I had left.”
“And your family?” she asks cautiously. “Were they there for you?”
“My brothers were, especially Jake. I’m the youngest of us four. He’s next, nine years ahead of me.” I blowout a breath, my lungs feeling heavy when I talk about my brother who’s always been my best, tightest friend. “I don’t even recall how many times he came down to the amputee ward at the hospital to be with me. He used up all of his vacation time and sick days at the precinct—time he could’ve been doing anything else other than helping me clean and work with my stump or propping me up while I learned to walk again.”
“He sounds pretty great.” Her green eyes search my face for a moment. “What about your parents? I know you told me things aren’t the best with your dad.”
Shit. I didn’t intend to wade this far into my own head or my pathetic home life, but it’s hard to push Evelyn out now that I’ve opened the door. I glance away, watching a pair of male gazelles knocking their antlered heads together in the field. “Mom visited a few times with Jake or one of my other brothers, Shane and Ethan. I know she wanted to be there more, but she struggled seeing me like that.”
“And your dad?”
“The old man never came. Not once.” I state it matter-of-factly, because that’s all it is now. Fact. But for those first few months, I kept waiting to see him. Expecting it. Hoping. “He never wanted anything to do with me, even when I was whole. See, I’m the classic mistake, the kid who came along just when things were going south in my parents’ marriage. They patched it up, but sometimes I think he’s holding me responsible for making him stay.”
“I’m sorry, Gabe. If that’s true, it’s terribly unfair of him. And cruel.”
“Yeah, it sucks, but whatever. I’m long past needing any father-and-son bonding. If you want to know thetruth, I only made it out of Bethesda thanks to a steady flow of pain meds and Jake’s regular ass-kickings, something that he’s perfected from the time I was a kid. Working with O’Connor in PT helped as well.”
In my peripheral, I see her looking at me with gentle understanding. “I think you can also take some of the credit for where you are. No one else could do the work for you. You had to be willing to step up, to fight back and heal. You’re the only one with the power to take control of your life.”
I slant her a wry glance. “Who says I’ve done that?”
She smiles. “Being a work-in-progress counts for something.”
“Speaking from experience?”
“Maybe.” That sweet curve of her lips doesn’t mask the guardedness in her eyes. “I thought we were talking about you.”
“Until a second ago, so did I.” I lean toward her, bumping her shoulder with mine. “I told you, if you want me to know anything about you, you’ve got to tell me yourself. Nothing’s going to make me think less of you or judge you. And I’m not going to put it in a report to your brother. Scout’s honor.”
She laughs at that, and I see some of her reticence fade away. “You think I’m that easy?”
“Lady, I don’t think anything about you is easy.” As soon as I say it, I shake my head. “No, that’s not true. Looking at you is easy. Talking to you, that’s easy too.”
When she swivels her head to look at me, I swear it’s all I can do to keep from reaching out to touch her face. I want to do more than merely touch. I want to kiss her. Claim her. Possess her in every way.
I must be out of my fucking mind, either from thestifling humidity or from treading into the uncharted territory of having a real conversation with a woman who isn’t a comrade or a colleague. Because more than anything, I want to be the man Evelyn trusts with all her secrets and pains.
And her pleasures.
I inhale deeply, which is only a mistake that fills my lungs with the warm vanilla scent of her. I let it go on a gusted sigh and turn my gaze back out to the animals in the habitat.
“Never mind,” I say abruptly. “You don’t have to tell me anything. Not my place to ask.”
She’s quiet for a moment. About the time I’m thinking I should check in with my team and go back to earning my paycheck, she finally replies.
