“What’s going on?” Have they changed their mind and it was a joke that got played for too long? What does it say about me, that I still want it? That I’ve been enjoying getting to know them better. Both Colton and Priest have joined me for dinner and conversation was the normal boring stuff. Talk of home and family, or whatever movie or TV show we’ve been watching on our down time.
Hargrave has been keeping his distance.
His gaze tracks back to me. His eyes are dark and intense. “Have you thought this through?”
I don’t need to ask what he’s talking about.
“Yes. I’ve never done anything like it before.” Should I have kept it between Colton, Reed, and myself instead of bringing in the other two? My cheeks are burning. I’m sure he knows what was said. Colton and Hargrave had plenty of time to talk while Priest sat under the tarp with me.
It was Colton who took that promise and expanded it. He’d been sure that Priest and Hargrave would be in. And he’s right. Priest doesn’t hide his attraction anymore. He smiles when he sees me, and there’s a warmth to it that wasn’t there before, as if he can finally drop his guard. While Colton has been waiting on news from Reed, he’s been charming with me as if he’s trying to steal all my attention from Priest.
Hargrave has only spoken to me when I’ve joined them in the mornings.
A small crease forms between his eyebrows. “No one is going to force you to stick to a promise you made in the heat of the moment.”
“I’m not being forced.” I stand up and walk around the desk so I can sit on the edge and be closer to him. “Are you? Have you played along with the others, but now think it’s gone too far?”
“When something seems impossible, it’s easy to get caught up in dreaming.” He leans back and looks up at me. “I’m not the kind of person who expects dreams to become reality, or at least not without ending badly.”
“And why’s that?” This is the most he’s ever talked to me. The most I’ve ever heard him say.
“I joined the military because there was nothing else for me. I bounced through foster care, had a few dumb things on a juvenile record that no one will ever see. No one sticks around. I don’t know my mother, or her family, friends come and go. Girlfriends…” He gives me that smile again. “Well, most of them couldn’t be called that.”
I stay silent because I can tell he’s sharing something that matters to him. To me, it seems as if he was cast out to fend for himself in a world that doesn’t care. He’s had no one to be there for him from the day he was born.
“You’re smart, and tougher than any of us expected. I don’t know if I’ll be okay when you walk away.”
I put my arms around him, and he pulls me into his lap. He rests his head on my chest and I kiss the top of his head. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. It might be one night…it could be more. But it’s something we will all need to talk about. I’m not going to push anyone away.”
Is that what he is expecting? Me to have them all and then toss aside the ones I don’t want? But if one of them wants to want to walk away, does that fracture everything?
“One night is easy.”
“Yeah.” We could keep it at that, but I don’t think it’s what any of us want. It’s not what I want, now I can see other options. “I’d like the opportunity to explore more.”
“Priest does too. I guess I came here to say I don’t have much to offer.”
“I don’t think that’s true. You care about your friends and from what I hear, you’re good with languages. You translated in the army.”
He nods, his cheek rubbing against me.
“So how does a guy who doesn’t speak much become so good at languages?”
“By listening. That’s why I know how serious Priest and Colton, and by extension Reed, are.”
“You pay attention to others.” He brings a balance to the four of them, because he can tell when someone is falling, or when someone was pushing too far. He didn’t want to see the people he cares about being hurt.
He shrugs. “I don’t want to mess up what’s going on.”
“Neither do I.” Even though I could change my mind now the danger has passed. I don’t want to. I want more than what I had and if these guys are offering me a taste, then I’m going to take it. I’m not expecting forever, when we aren’t sure how it’s going to work, or how we will feel after. “But I want a chance to have something more.”
He looks up at me. “Do you want to have dinner with me?”
I think of my almost finished report. As much as I want to send it off, I can’t push him away, not when he’s opening up. He’s the only one to have admitted he has doubts. But he’s not worried about one night, he’s worried about what happens after.
And so am I. Because it will change everything between the five of us.
Maybe having them all will be weird.
