My curiosity gets the better of me. “What did you tell Colton?”
“It was personal.”
I nod. “Was it goodbye or something more hopeful?”
“Why does it matter?” She’s watching me, and there’s a slight change in the air between us.
“I’m trying to figure out if he’s given up or not. That’s all.” A man who says goodbye is ready to die. It could mean that Hargrave and Colton will only find a corpse.
“It was hopeful.” She frowns. “But he said he’d made peace with dying.”
I stare out into the night, listening for something that doesn’t belong, but all I can hear it rain and the gushing of water at the rivulets become waterfalls and hit the road.
“Most of us have to some degree.”
“Yeah, he said something like that. Not that he wanted to die, but that it might happen.”
My lips turn up in a tight smile. “Most people, civilians, live in denial, so it comes as a horrible surprise when death brushes them or their loved ones. But we’re all going to die. If you’re lucky, you’ll be old enough not to care, or able to choose how you greet the reaper. If you’re unlucky, you’ll be jumped and go kicking and screaming. Personally, I’d rather offer my hand and get to know him a bit.”
“I don’t want to die. My father is in a nursing home. I’m his only kid.” She shakes her head. “Not that he is aware of that. Mostly, he thinks I’m my mother. Sometimes his mother, or sister. Never me.” She closes her eyes, hangs her head, and sniffs. “Sorry.”
I put my arm around her. “We all have shit going on at home.”
“What shit do you have?” She wriggles closer and leans into me.
“Brother is in prison and parents who believe it’s my fault for joining the military and leaving.” They expected me to find a regular job, and buy a place in the same suburb as them, and join them when they visited my brother. I gave myself four weeks to think about what I wanted.
Two weeks in, I realized I didn’t fit in the niche they’d carved for me. I didn’t know the man my brother had become, and I didn’t want to know him either. Our values are too different.
“How do they figure that?”
“I wasn’t there to be a role model.” They were both there. They could’ve done something, but it was easier to blame someone else. “He’s the fallen angel and I’m the warmongering devil.”
“What did he do?”
“Sold drugs most. A bit of weapons dealing.” And he seemed so smug about it. Like there were a hundred other charges they hadn’t pinned on him. “Organized crime.”
The same shit I had spent ten years fighting overseas.
“I called up a friend in the US and took up his offer of a job and haven’t been home since.” It wasn’t my place to tell her about the others. They’d tell her if she asked, and they wanted to share. “I’m sorry about your dad.”
“I took this job, so I’d have a reason not to be there. I hoped it would hurt less. But looking for gems was something we always did together after Mum died. His hobby was opal hunting.”
“Hold on to the happy memories of who he was before he got sick.” At least she has them. “Why don’t you have a little rest? It’s a long wait. I’ll keep watch.”
“I don’t think I can sleep.”
It would be better if she did, or she won’t manage the hike back.
I pat my thigh. “It’s a slightly soggy pillow.”
“I don’t think anything is onlyslightlysoggy out here.” But she moves, curling up with her head on my thigh. I brush the dark blond strands of hair back from her face. Not that I can tell the color anymore. With her lying like that, all light from the light stick has been hidden.
I keep one hand on her, and the other on my rifle.
It doesn’t take long for her breathing to become soft and regular. When adrenaline flees, it’s exhausting. I could tell she was done and just trying to keep going.
I stare into the darkness, wishing I was with my men and wondering how we fucked up so badly that we missed what was going on.
