“It’s fine. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.” Aside from messing up everything. “Will he be all right?”
“I think it might be best if we broke camp and began walking. It’s not yet noon, so we can cover a good amount of distance.” He glances at Sabine. “Can you tell Orik?”
She nods and leaves me alone with Edilk.
“Did he ask you to pretend to be his mate?”
I shake my head. “I said I don’t want one, and he said the same, so we just agreed. He did nothing wrong.”
“It is unfortunate he was born a fourth son, as he has been a good leader of this tribe of banished. He would have made a good mate.” Edilk turns away to pack.
But I understand enough about the aliens to hear what he wasn’t saying. He was asking me to choose Sunif.
I could choose him, but it is clear he has not chosen me. He does not want me. He’d rather go through rut induced agony than be with me. If he thought we could make it work, he would have stayed to talk instead of running away.
I turn away before anyone can see the tears filling my eyes. This time, I can’t blame my sister or anyone else. The fault is with me. I am the one no one wants.
15
Sunif
Iwant to keep walking, to put more distance between myself and Mia, but I can’t. It’s the same pull that stopped me from leaving my tribe’s area for several days when I was first banished. It’s as if my body doesn’t want to be any further than kam communication range from her, not that she even has kam.
She’s a human who sailed through the stars, the souls of the banished who lived and died before me, to end up here. I stop and stare up at the sky, even though they are not visible. I may not be able to see them, but they are there watching over us.
Did my ancient brothers bring these people here so we might have mates?
Am I walking away from a gift that I should be treasuring?
I’m not sure what thought is real and what is rut driven.
Even if I go back, she will not choose me.
And by not staying, I have made sure she won’t.
I snarl and kick at the scrub, snapping branches and leaving a trail even a child learning to hunt could follow. Not for the first time I have made a mistake that I don’t know how to fix. The difference is this time there is still a chance it can be fixed.
Edilk will stand by me.
Orik is angry he was not told, but he is not one to hold a grudge.
Mia…I have no idea how to put things right with her, but I don’t think being fake mates is good for either of us.
It’s not enough for me. I didn’t think this rut would bind me to another, but I was wrong. She is all I want. But going back and telling her is too much, because I don’t want her to turn away after deeming me unworthy.
That she told everyone, means she doesn’t care and wants them all to be aware I thought myself above all rules. Even though my body is craving her, I push on and move out of kam range.
I stop only when I am short of breath and my heart is beating hard. Around me the world is silent, as if my anger has scared all other creatures away. I am beyond kam range of Edilk, and not yet close enough to the ship for Vari and the others to sense me. This seems a good place to stop.
While the anger that pushed me on has cooled, the lust hasn’t. It burns hot and unsated. My meq chafes on my pants and my pants are damp from where it has been leaking. With a sigh, I hang my head. This time Mia is not there to help, and slick my skin with her nectar. Nor is she here to use her hands the way she wanted.
My nails dig into my palms, but the pain brings no release. Nor will spilling my seed on the ground. I want to claw at myself and find some relief, as if bleeding will ease the tension even though I know it will not. I force a breath out between my teeth.
I am not ready to see them again, or for Edilk to reach out to me, so I move off the trail made by animals and find a place to sit and wait and contemplate what I am going to do.
Do I want to forget about the promises I made about finding a woman and restoring my families honor, or do I want to shed the remnants of my pride that I have been clinging onto and beg Mia to consider me if she thinks about taking a mate?
She may not.
