I glance over my shoulder, not sure if Eskar has ducked away or stayed. He hovers close by. Usually I would want to be alone, but I’ve gotten so used to him being there. But he’s not here where how I want him.
I can’t touch him, and he can’t touch me, and that’s not the mating drug anymore. Maybe I’m just desperate and horny—it’s been sixty-three days. Or maybe I’ve gotten to know him and I’m falling for him. I dream of hearing his voice again, of kissing him. Having a cold wash is exactly what I need. I don’t know how I’ll last another thirty-seven days.
I reach down and grab my clothes, I give them a scrub, knowing that they won’t come clean without soap, but that is in short supply. Then I spread them out on the rocks, hoping that they’ll dry in the spring sun.
My skin pulls tight and the hairs on my arm prickle up as I stand under the trickle of water and try to wash my hair. I would give anything for some shampoo. My scalp tightens like it’s shrinking, so I step out. My teeth are chattering, but at least I’m clean. Clean-ish.
I climb out and scrub myself dry with the scrap of cloth that is my towel—it was once the back of someone’s shirt—then I wrap it around my hair to stop water from dripping down my back, before sitting on the fur and pulling it around my shoulders. I huddle for several minutes until I can feel my toes again and I trust my teeth not to rattle when I talk.
“Is this where you came before turning to water?”
He bobs.
“It’s freezing. I need soap…” the words are on the tip of my tongue, but I hesitate. It’s not like he can talk back. He can’t hold me, but it won’t be like this forever. “I need you.”
He drops a little, then gives a slow bounce.
“Is that a sigh?”
Bounce.
“If you had a body, we could be snuggled up together. I’m sure we’d find a way to keep warm.” I smile, but he’s become very still.
“Do you feel desire?”
He gives me a definite bounce. I know he gets frustrated with not being able to communicate properly. He’s taken off a few times, done a few rapid laps around the camp spinning and swooping, before returning.
But we’ve all felt like that. Not trapped exactly, but constrained, our life on pause. The need to run and shout and do something burns in my blood.
I stare at Eskar and flip back the fur. “Do you want to watch?”
He bounces so hard I think he’s going to launch into orbit.
I’ve never been one to show off or put myself on display, but this is different, it’s just Eskar and I and if this is all we have at the moment, then it will have to do. I crave the release. I was scared at first because of the mating drug, then I was never alone. Today seems like the right time, and even if it’s not, I’m taking it. I close my eyes and pretend it’s Eskar touching me which is far easier than I thought it would be.
The cold of his light touches my inner thighs, but he won’t get close enough to hurt me. I should be embarrassed that he’s watching so intently.
That I haven’t shaved my legs or anything in months.
But none of that matters.
I come fast and hard, then lie spent on the fur, the chilly air plucking at my skin. Eskar hovers nearby, almost vibrating. He darts over the pond then back and around. When he comes back, he’s still buzzing.
“Watching made it worse?”
Bounce.
“I won’t do it again.” Even though the ache between my legs needs sating, I’ve awakened a hunger that I can’t quell.
He darts from side to side in no.
I sit up and wrap my arms around my legs. “There’s not that many more days.”
But counting the days only makes them last longer.
Chapter 18
I don’t sleep.Can’t. Day one hundred has finally arrived. I didn’t change overnight. I am still me and still fleshy.
