“Sometimes I imagine this is what an alcoholic or drug addict must feel like,” he said softly, staring down at the grass in front of their bench. “Knowing that there’s this monster inside you, ready to slip out and attack the second you give it a chance.”
“You’re not an alcoholic or an addict,” Zarina said firmly. “You were given a serum that made drastic changes to your DNA and your hindbrain, which is the part that controls our most primitive functions, including survival instincts, aggression, and your fight-or-flight response. That’s why you sometimes lose control in stressful situations.”
He appreciated how Zarina always tried to make it seem as if all his issues were related to the hybrid serum he’d been given, but they both knew it was more than that. He’d already been a basket case long before he’d been given those drugs. The rage issues, memory blackouts, and panic attacks had started somewhere between his fourth and fifth deployment in the army and had only gotten worse once he was out of the Rangers. That was why he’d been living alone in the woods of Washington State to begin with. So he wouldn’t lose it and hurt someone.
When he didn’t say anything, Zarina reached out and rested her hand on his jaw, turning him to look at her.
“Tanner, the things that are happening to you aren’t your fault. But you’re dealing with them. We’re dealing with them.”
The touch of her hand on his face was enough to warm his whole body, and it was all he could do not to turn ever so slightly and press a kiss to her palm.
He wished he could tell Zarina exactly how he felt about her, because right now, he was happier than he’d ever been in his life. But it would have been unfair to tell her that he loved her, then in the next breath admit he was almost certainly going to have to walk away from her.
“Sometimes I think it would be better if I went back to the forests where you found me,” he said quietly. “So I could get away from all of it.”
Zarina looked confused at first, but then an expression of overwhelming pain filled her eyes. “Away from me?”
Seeing the sorrow on her face hurt him worse than anything he’d ever experienced, even the searing agony he’d felt as the hybrid drug had first burned through his bloodstream all those months ago, tearing his DNA apart from the inside out.
He loved her more than his own life. Which was why what he was doing felt so completely right.
He gently trailed his hand over her cheek. This was the first time he’d touched Zarina like this, and it almost took his breath away.
“Away from you more than anyone,” he said. “I’d die if I ever lost control and hurt you.”
“You’d never hurt me.”
“You can’t be sure of that.”
“I am sure. Tanner, I’m close to finding a cure.” She reached up to grab his hand and squeeze it tight. “The serum I gave Jayson wasn’t perfect, but it counteracted the effects of the crap Dick gave him. All I need is a little more time, and it will be ready.”
“You’ve been working on that antiserum for almost a year and a half,” he pointed out. “You might be close, or you could be another year or two away.”
She shifted on the bench so she could face him squarely, shaking her head vigorously. “It won’t take that long. I’m sure of it. You have to promise you won’t leave before I have a chance to finish it.”
That wasn’t a promise he could make. He had no idea when he was going to leave, since he still needed to help Sage, but he couldn’t ignore the risk he posed to Zarina and the other people around him. At some point, he’d lose control at the wrong time, and someone he cared about would pay the price. He refused to stay here and let that happen.
But before he could tell Zarina that, she suddenly leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him, squeezing him tightly. He froze, shocked by the move. But after a moment, he enfolded her in a hug.
“Don’t answer right now,” she whispered. “Just think about it for a while…before you do anything.”
Tanner closed his eyes, holding her like he’d wanted to for so long, torn that it couldn’t always be like this. But he wasn’t the man Zarina needed in her life. At some point, she was going to have to figure that out.
Chapter 4
Alina stepped out of the shower and absently dried off with the fluffy towel she took from the rack as she tried to figure out what was going on with Thomas Thorn. She’d found it strange enough that the man had been lurking during her initial interview with Dick Coleman, but now that his name had shown up in connection with the bombing, she had no idea what to think.
Tossing the towel in the hamper, she slipped into her standard bum-around-the-house-and-chill-out clothes—yoga pants, a tank top, and a cardigan. Considering it was summertime, she didn’t really need the sweater, but cardigans were soft and cozy, and she liked wearing them regardless of what time of year it was. Forgetting about work wasn’t really an option right now, though.
As she walked through the living room and into the kitchen, she went over everything she knew about Thomas Thorn, which wasn’t a lot. Not that there was a reason she should know much about the man. She’d spent the past twelve years of her life buried in the CIA, where she’d focused on international threats—and Wade. She’d never been interested in DC politics. Hell, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d voted.
Even so, she knew the obvious stuff. Thorn had been a senator up until a couple of years ago, when he’d stepped down to run his international defense corporation. He was filthy rich, owned more homes than she did shoes, and still wielded a tremendous amount of influence within political circles. She was also fairly certain he could have stepped into almost any executive-level job in the government if he’d wanted. Heck, she could see some president tapping him to be secretary of defense in a heartbeat. He was that well connected.
Which made her wonder why he’d been there that morning when she’d talked to Dick. From the looks the director had thrown Thorn’s way, it was obvious he had some influence within the DCO. Why a man as powerful as Thorn would bother getting involved in a small covert organization that no one else in the world had ever heard of didn’t make a lot of sense to her.
Then there was the stuff Trevor had said about the former DCO director attempting to send Thorn to prison. Her new partner had implied it was the real reason behind the bombing that had killed John Loughlin.
