“It started out as joint custody.” He paused to eat his salad. “It didn’t stay that way for long, though. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my parents were fiercely competitive people, and I was the prize each of them wanted to win. I spent a good portion of my early years in court as my mom and dad both fought to get full custody, saying the nastiest crap about each other to do it. They spent a decade fighting for custody, then ignored me on those occasions when they actually had me around.”
She reached across the table and took his hand. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
He squeezed her hand in return and shrugged. “I left to join the Corps the day I turned eighteen and never looked back. I haven’t talked to either of my parents since, and I don’t plan to. It sucks, but I got over it.”
Lacey doubted that. She knew firsthand that you didn’t just get over having crappy parents. Even though she’d just met him, there were certain qualities about Alex—the attention he put into being the best paramedic he could be, his willingness to throw himself into danger to help complete strangers, the trust he had in his SWAT teammates—that could all be traced back to the things that had happened to him when he was young. Considering how much her own family life had affected her, it was almost funny the way they’d found each other. Like fate had taken a hand in bringing two screwed-up people together.
“How about you?” He picked up his wineglass. “You mentioned that your dad took off, then your mom left. Did you ever have an urge to find either of them and reconnect?”
Now she was sorry she hadn’t been completely honest with him about her parents the first time they’d talked about it. The way she’d avoided the truth just made it harder to talk about now. She was tempted to fudge the details again and skip over the painful parts. But that didn’t feel right, not after Alex had opened up about his background.
Lacey chased her food around on the plate for a while before finally answering. “I don’t know where my dad is and don’t care. As for my mom, I can’t. She committed suicide.”
Alex paused, his fork halfway to his mouth. He slowly lowered it to his plate. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.”
She nodded. The funny thing was, sharing that with Alex made it feel like a weight had suddenly been lifted from her shoulders. “It’s okay. It’s just not something I talk about very much.” She made a face. “Okay, actually, I never talk about it. But it feels good to put it out there, if that makes any sense?”
“Yeah, it does. I’ve seen what it’s like on someone who tries to carry a heavy burden around all by themselves—and how much better they feel when they finally get that weight off their chest.” He regarded her sadly. “Did your dad leaving have anything to do with your mom’s suicide?”
She swallowed hard. “Mom was insanely in love with my dad, even though he was nothing but a womanizing jerk. When he ran off and left us, she fell apart. It was like she didn’t know who she was without him.”
“That’s when you started taking care of Kelsey, right?” he asked, spearing a piece of veal.
“Yeah. I had to. Mom simply couldn’t.” Lacey sipped her wine. “She spent weeks on end sitting on the couch in the living room, smoking cigarettes and waiting for Dad to come home. When she realized that wasn’t going to happen, she started drinking and going out with a lot of guys—none of whom were worth a crap.”
Lacey remembered that time in her life like it was yesterday. Remembered watching her mom throw herself at guys who she normally would never have otherwise looked twice at. Drunks, druggies, bums—anyone who would give her the time of day. It was like she was desperate for a guy to take care of her, and she didn’t care who.
The muscle in Alex’s jaw flexed. “None of them ever messed with you or Kelsey, did they?”
“No,” she said quickly. “I made sure we left when Mom brought them around. And I would always leave Kelsey at a friend’s house whenever I went home to see if they were gone.” Tears burned her eyes, and she ducked her head to look down at her plate while she blinked them back so Alex wouldn’t see. “That actually turned out to be a good thing, because if Kelsey had been with me when I went home to check, she would have seen Mom kill herself.”
“Oh God.” Alex drew in a sharp breath. “You were there when it happened?”
Lacey nodded, still not looking at him. Now that the story was coming out, she couldn’t seem to stop. Maybe because Alex was so easy to talk to.
“We lived in a tiny fifth-floor apartment,” she continued quietly. “I came home around midnight like I usually did when Mom had a guy over. I’d get her off the couch and into bed, then clean up the empty bottles, air out the cigarette smoke before I brought Kelsey home—stuff like that. But this time was different. When I came in, Mom was sober enough to be upright. She was standing by the sliding door to the little balcony.”
Lacey paused, replaying the last time she’d seen her mother alive over and over in her head. Alex didn’t rush her.
“When I walked in, she didn’t say anything. She just looked at me like she’d been waiting for me to show up. I asked her if she was okay, but she ignored me.” Lacey looked at him. “Then she walked out onto the balcony, and threw herself off.”
“Damn.” Alex reached out to take her hand, gently squeezing it like she’d done to his minutes before. The gesture was more comforting than she expected.
“I never told Kelsey what happened,” she added. “She thinks Mom fell off the balcony by accident. The police knew, of course, but no one felt it necessary to tell a ten-year-old that kind of news.”
She and Alex sat there for a long time, holding hands. He asked her about things that brought up feelings and doubts she purposely hadn’t thought about for a long time. Like whether she hated her mom for killing herself, what she’d say to her dad if she ever saw him again, and most important, whether she ever blamed herself for what her mom had done.
Lacey told herself that Alex wasn’t her shrink, he was a guy she was dating, but even though she tried to filter what she said, she found herself opening up and telling him everything. She hated looking weak and needy in front of him, like some damaged chick who couldn’t afford therapy. By the time they finished dinner, however, she felt more relaxed and at peace with her past than she’d ever been in her life. Alex was better than any therapist, even if she could have afforded one. Ten years was a long time to keep things bottled up inside, she supposed.
“Sorry if the night took a depressing turn,” he said as they loaded the dishwasher. “If you want to put the movie on hold until another night, I’m okay with that.”
Lacey shook her head. “Definitely not. You promised me dinner and a movie. We’re only halfway done.”
He grinned. “All right. If you insist.”
She smiled back. “I insist.”
Grabbing a dish rag, she wiped down the table while he finished with the dishwasher. If she’d thought Alex was a keeper before, now she was convinced she needed to kidnap him and keep him locked in her apartment. He was simply too perfect to let get away.
