Enoch walked with the doctor outside, then as the man rode back toward town, Enoch stood for a long moment on the porch, drawing deep breaths of the cool evening air. The sky had darkened to indigo, the first stars winking into view.
Maybe time in the barn could ease the tangles inside him. He descended the porch steps and started toward the structure. Its burned shell stood out as a dark, awkward shadow. The charred remains mocked him, a physical form of his failures and losses.
He clenched his fists, his nails biting into his palms. He shouldn’t be so angry. The doctor had said she wasfine. She and the baby both.
He was halfway across the yard when the sound of an approaching wagon made him pause. He turned to see James and Thomas in the damaged rig.
James reined the team to a stop in front of the barn and swung down from the seat. “How is she?”
Enoch swallowed past the tightness in his throat. “The doctor says she’ll be fine.” The words tasted bitter on his tongue, as if saying them aloud might somehow alter their truth.
Relief softened his brother’s features. “Thank God. We can put the team up if you want to go back inside to her.”
Enoch shook his head. “I’ll unharness them. You two go in and scrounge up some food. I’m sure you’re hungry and tired.”
James studied him. Then he spoke in a lower voice. “Go on in, Thomas. Enoch and I can handle this.”
Their baby brother nodded and trudged toward the house, leaving Enoch and James alone in the deepening night.
James was the next brother in line after him, and he’d always been the one—other than Will—who could read Enoch best. So he turned his back on his brother, focusing on unhitching the horses from the traces. Yet he could feel James’s gaze boring into him, searching and far too perceptive.
“You know this wasn’t your fault, right?” James’s voice came quiet but firm.
Enoch’s jaw clenched. He led the first horse to the hitching rail and reached for a brush.
James followed him with the second gelding. “Accidents happen, Enoch. You can’t control everything. Mandie doesn’t blame you.”
“Maybe she should.” The words bit out of him. He moved to brush the animal’s other side, keeping his eyes fixed on the task.
“Why? Because you couldn’t predict a hidden rut in the road? Because you didn’t force her to stay home against her will?” James shook his head. “You’re being too hard on yourself.”
Enoch ran the brush over a spot of dried mud with more force than necessary. The horse snorted and sidled away from him. He drew a ragged breath, trying to gentle his movements.
“I think we need to find a safer place for Mandie to live. Maybe find a house in town—or build her one.”
James huffed out something that sounded almost like a laugh. “You’re going to send her away now? Why can’t you just admit you love the woman and marry her like any other man would?”
James didn’t understand. Somehow Enoch had to make him see.
“I can’t go through this again.” His voice cracked on the final word, the admission scraping his throat raw. “Losing Charlotte nearly destroyed me. If I get any closer to Mandie and something happens to her...”
James’s hand landed on his shoulder. “I know you’re scared. After everything you’ve been through, it’s understandable. But you can’t let fear control your life. Mandie is fine. Don’t push her away because of what might happen.”
Enoch shrugged off his brother’s touch, his fingers tightening on the brush until his knuckles whitened. “I can’t...I won’t survive losing someone else I love. It’s better not to let myself get too attached in the first place.”
James sighed, his breath misting in the cooling air. “Is it really better, though? To hold yourself apart, to never let yourself fully love or be loved, because you’re afraid of the pain?”
Enoch’s throat constricted. He closed his eyes against the sudden sting of tears. “I don’t know. I just...I can’t risk it.”
Hewantedto believe his brother.Wantedto let himself give in to these feelings for Mandie. But the fear, the memory of shattering grief, held him back like a physical chain.
CHAPTER 24
Mandie eyed herself in the mirror after dressing for the family’s simple church service, in the main room of the Balfour home. She’d donned her blue dress—one of the nicer ones she’d brought with her, though not the very nicest. The extra flounces around the waist on this one concealed her rounding middle better than the others.
She would need to tell James, Robert, and Thomas about her condition soon. If she stayed.
With a sigh, she turned away from the mirror. The past two days since the wagon accident, Enoch had retreated into himself again, even more than after the kiss. This reminded her too much of the brooding shadow he’d been when she first arrived.
