The babe delivered a firm kick on her right side, and she pressed a hand there, rubbing the spot. If only she could rub the tiny foot instead, cradling little toes and kissing them.
Gil’s gaze slipped into her awareness, and she glanced over to see him watching her with uncertain eyes. “Is everything all right?”
“All is well. The little one kicked harder than usual.”
Something flickered in his warm brown eyes. Longing? Curiosity? He didn’t speak at first, but the air grew thick between them. Her stomach twisted. Was he wondering about…?
Finally, he cleared his throat. "Jess, I know it’s not my place to ask, and you don't have to say if it's too hard, but..." He tucked his hands in his coat pockets. "The baby's father. Who is he?"
She'd known this question would come eventually, but a part of her had hoped to avoid it forever. Shame heated her cheeks as she remembered her foolish choices with Alex.
Gil deserved the truth, no matter how much it pained her to speak it.
If he grew angry and sent her away, better now than before she became too comfortable here with his family. But even as that thought slipped in, she pushed it back. Gil wouldn’t send her away.
He would be disappointed, though, and she hated the thought of him looking at her like that.
Yet heshouldbe disappointed in her. She was disappointed in herself.
She slowed to a stop. They would reach Angela’s cabin soon, and she didn’t want this conversation overheard.
She took a breath for courage but could only fix her gaze on a branch ahead of her. "His name was Alex. He worked for my father. I thought..." She shook her head. How could she put into words what she’d done? What she’d been thinking. "I let him go too far. I...I encouraged it even. I thought it would give me power, a way to take back control of my life." She could barely breathe through the weight on her chest.
Did she need to say more?
She risked a glance at Gil's face, bracing herself for the disappointment, and probably even judgment, she was sure she would find there.
But those eyes she loved didn’t hold censure, only a deep sadness that echoed the ache in her heart. "Jess. I'm so sorry."
The grief in his tone made the knot in her middle twist even tighter. The last thing she wanted was to bring him more pain. He should be angry at her, not share in her pain.
His mouth parted like he wanted to say something, so she waited. He searched her face as he spoke. “What did you do when you found out…about the baby?”
She swallowed hard. "I started to suspect after a couple months. When I was fairly certain, I snuck away to Helena. I saw a doctor there who confirmed it." Her voice caught, so she took a breath before continuing. "Then I started asking around about Alex. But Jedidiah and his men found me before I could go any further."
His expression turned sober. “Did he hurt you? Or did Jedidiah?”
She shook her head. “No.”
Gil took in an audible breath, his shoulders sinking as he blew it out. This didn’t feel like an interrogation, despite how he watched her. Maybe because he kept his voice so low and gentle. “Do you know what happened to Alex? Where he went?”
Her chest tightened again. She hated to think about this part. “I don’t…I don’t know. I’m still not sure how he managed to leave in the first place. I wonder if…” Her eyes burned thinking about what could have been done to him. “I wonder if Jedediah found him and…punished him for leaving.”
Gil was silent a moment before speaking quietly. “I was afraid of that.” Another beat of silence. “Did you love him? Alex, I mean.” Though his tone didn’t change, she felt the tension in his words.
She turned to meet his gaze. “I never loved Alex. What I allowed with him was a foolish decision, one I've wished I could take back so many times. One I've begged God to forgive me for." She had to swallow down the sting of tears.
She lifted her hand to the swell of her belly, a touch that was becoming so natural. So automatic. "I’m thankful for this babe, though. I know now that God wouldn’t have allowed him or her to grow unless He had a plan. And I get to be part of that plan. I'm praying every day that He’ll help me raise this babe to be a godly man or woman."
As Gil studied her, the corners of his eyes creased. Not quite a smile. It was more like he was thinking hard on what she'd said. Slowly, he reached out and rested his hand on her arm, the warmth of his touch seeping through her coat sleeve. Then he slid his hand down to cover hers where it rested on the curve of her belly. His larger hand completely enveloped her own.
He looked up to her eyes and locked his gaze with hers. "Jess, I'm so sorry you've had such a hard life. I'm sorry you didn't have a father who could show you what real love looks and feels like. But I need you to know—God forgave you the very first time you asked. He doesn't hold your past against you."
Emotion welled in her throat. She knew the truth of Gil’s words in her head—Ezekiel had told her that—but hearing Gil say them with such conviction made them sink deeper into her heart.
He moved his hands to her elbows and tugged her closer, sliding his arms around her back, cradling her in the security of his embrace. "I've known from the very beginning that God brought us together for a reason. And Jess." His eyes searched hers. "When you're ready, I want to take the next step with you.”
The next step? Did he mean…?
