Her eyes widened.
He fought to keep from cringing. His words were even less elegant than the ones yesterday. He should have said something leading up to it, not attack her with the question.
But it was out now. And the echo of his words hung in the air between them.
Grooves formed in her forehead. She seemed to be considering something.
He couldn't breathe. Couldn't move. Couldn't speak to soften the way he'd asked it.
Her brows shifted to form a tent over those beautiful eyes. "Does that mean you didn't intend what you said about closing off the ranch from strangers?"
The knot in his belly moved up to his chest. That wasn't the answer he'd been hoping for. It wasn't ano, but his response might well bring a refusal. What should he say? He had to be truthful.
Yes, he should telleverything. Bare his heart. Let her see how she mattered. It was all he had left.
He started to take a step forward, but the wariness returned to her gaze, so he halted. Squared himself. Took a breath. "Dinah. I have to protect my family. And keeping us together here at the ranch, away from strangers and the threats they bring, is the only way. But I hope that's not all you'll consider as you answer my question."
If only he had a hat brim in his hands to squeeze. This might be the hardest thing he'd ever had to say. "Before you came, I didn't know how much we needed you. I didn't realize we were missing something here on the ranch. But then you and your sister swept in. Even through all the tumult of Jonah's accident, you were strong. Capable. Beautiful. And you crept into our hearts—into our lives—little by little. You made the children happy again. Lillian especially. "
He swallowed. "You brought me back to life. Made me feel things I didn't know could be felt. Dinah, the thought of you leaving… I can't put into words what that does…" His voice cracked, and he let out a breath.
Then tried once more. He did his best to let her see the truth in his eyes. "I need you. I need you to stay."
* * *
God, this is too much. You can't expect me to stay strong through this.
Dinah attempted to swallow the tears clogging her throat. She couldn’t hold them back much longer though. Not with this pain twisting her insides.
She loved this man. Loved him even more than she'd let herself realize. Her heart craved to say yes. To step into his arms, to take his hand and turn her back on the idea of a clinic and seeing patients. Of bringing relief to sickness and healing to injury.
After all, this man carried his own pain that she could ease. This ranch might possess more of a challenge than even a town full of miners.
But she couldn't heal the broken places inside Jericho. Only God could. She couldn't go into a marriage expecting him to change. If God planned for them to be together someday, she had to step back now and allow the Lord to work. And proceed in the calling He'd given her.
Through eyes blurred with the tears streaming down her cheeks, she took in the face of the man she loved. Those eyes that held such fear and longing. His strong profile, the jaw she'd shaved, praying with every breath that God would spare his life from smallpox.
A sob rose up, but she pressed it down. "I can't, Jericho. I can't stay here and turn my back on the calling God brought me to accomplish. As much as I love you"—her voice broke on that word, but she pressed on—"I have to follow His leading. I want that for you too. More than anything, I want you to open your heart to Him. Trust Him. He can handle your pain. He's the only One strong enough to bear the load. And He can protect your family too. Trust Him."
Anguish twisted through her body so strongly, she could speak no more. There was nothing more she could say anyway. God was the only One who could help him.
She took in a deep breath that shuddered too much. "I need to go talk to Lillian. I'll speak with Sean, too, and do everything I can to make this easier for them. They're welcome to come visit us in Missoula Mills."
He wouldn't bring them though. He'd already made that clear.
She turned from the man she loved, and with the shreds of her heart in tatters, she walked away.
* * *
"Ialmost wish we’d sneaked away in the middle of the night."
Dinah couldn't answer her sister, not with the way her insides felt like shattered glass. They were riding down the mountain, following the new trail the brothers had cut to lead strangers toward the house, avoiding the mine and stream bed where they gleaned sapphires.
Jericho had been stoic, a bit aloof, as everyone gathered to see them off. It was probably for the best that he hadn't spoken directly to her. She might not have been able to bear it. And certainly not with any form of dignity.
Lillian had cried, and as Dinah hugged her, she whispered that the girl could come visit anytime. Perhaps she shouldn't have made the offer. Jericho certainly wouldn't allow it, and the suggestion might bring friction between uncle and niece. But it seemed Lillian needed hope. Hope that she wasn't losing her friends completely, the way she'd lost her father, then her mother. Even her dog.
This loss didn't have to be forever.
