The waiter appears with wine and pours us both a glass, then our food is delivered a minute later. Once we’re alone and I’ve savored a few bites, I hum. “Anastasia’s done a lot. Which is partly why I feel so gross calling in these favors because half those people have lost a lot under her leadership. She made sureto shove the cruel to the bottom, and those she didn’t kill have to earn their way back up.”
“I’m sure she won’t mind that you’ve had to reach out to them.”
“No, she won’t.” I savor another few mouthfuls. “It just reminds me of a time I’d rather forget.”
“I never knew any of this about you,” Cian says thoughtfully as he nurses his wine. “You always seemed so…”
“Aloof?” I offer.
“No, not in the slightest. I never took offense at how quiet you were. It intrigued me. I think we were all waiting for some kind of implosion when Anastasia took over, but instead, it was probably the best thing to happen to all of us.”
“All of us?” I arch one brow. “You included?”
“Yes. Without it, we never would have met.”
It feels like Cian is dancing around saying something he doesn’t have the confidence to talk about yet. I want to reach across the table and grab him by the collar to demand he talk to me straight, but that’s never been Cian’s style. There’s always been an emotional shyness about him that I find so endearing. It makes it even sexier when he loses control and rips my clothes off.
But we’re running on such limited time now and part of me is terrified that when we finally secure and kill Hawk and take down Hexagon, that will be it for Cian. He’ll have nothing left to live for. It’s selfish of me to want to be the reason Cian clings on, but that’s the truth that aches in my soul every time our eyes meet.
Slowly licking sauce from my lower lip, we eat and make small talk about our travels around the world while the waiter remains in earshot tending to another table. Our main meal consists of pasta dishes that we end up swapping after two bites as Cian’s dish is more to my tastes and vice versa. When the table near us finally leaves and we’re alone again, the sun is nearly behind the horizon and a deep orange glow reflects in Cian’s eyes as he ignores his wine in favor of water.
“So, this is the most time you’ve spent outside of America?”
He nods. “I did some traveling to Italy and Japan once, but other than Ireland to see my father, there was never cause for me to travel.”
“Is it… weird?” I probe gently. “To think about your family?”
I fully expect Cian to clam up like usual, but while his gaze falls to his half-eaten plate, he doesn’t immediately shut me down. “It’s weird because I still forget they’re gone. Everything that happens… my first thought is to tell Saoirse.”
“She’d be proud of you.”
His gaze flicks up to mine. “Maybe. Sometimes, I think I still feel her.” He presses his palm flat to his chest. “Like a twin thing… it’s like she’s still here. But I think that’s because I can’t let go.”
I can’t fathom the scope of Cian’s loss, but the fact that he’s talking about it is a huge improvement. Leaning forward against the table, I rest my chin on my upturned palm. “There’s no maybe. She would be proud. They all would.”
“You think?” He looks up at me with such painful, open honesty that my heart aches. Beneath the coldness and the occasionalanger, Cian’s like a bleeding wound seeking comfort and I want to provide it. I want to be who he leans on after all this to heal.
But I want him with me in any condition, even if it means he’ll be bleeding forever.
“I know so,” I repeat softly. “I can say that because I care about you maybe almost as much as they did.”
His eyes flicker in a half-blink and his fingers flex against his chest. “Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if I hadn’t kept us a secret.”
My stomach flutters. “It’s a sweet thought, but I doubt it.”
“You think?” His head tilts. “Everything connects even when we don’t want it to. The smallest decision might have prevented everything.”
“Maybe. Although sometimes, I felt like Saoirse knew. If she hadn’t been so caught up in everything, I bet she wouldn’t have been surprised.”
“She was pretty sharp.” Cian smiles fondly. “She knew my heart.”
His heart. Does that mean what I think it does?
Reaching for my wine glass, I take a sip and then set it down while stroking the rim with my fingertips. Is this the opening I’ve been waiting for? We’ve been fucking for over a month now, on and off, and I need to know the truth before I read too much into what Cian is giving me.
“I have a question.”
“Shoot.” Cian sips his water.
