His head tosses back and forth and he flinches violently, half rolling one way and then the other. I pull my hand away, unsure how to proceed until another pure sound of fear makes it past his lips.
“Cian! Cian, wake up!” Grasping his shoulder, I shake him as firmly as I dare. Suddenly, he bolts upright with a cry, tears clinging to his lashes and his fist raised ready to throw in my direction, but he stops himself just in time.
Our eyes meet. His are wide and terrified while tears roll down his cheek. I’ve never seen him look like this before and in the pale moonlight, he looks particularly ashen.
“Cian,” I gasp. “You’re okay. You’re here with me. I’m sorry, you were having a nightmare and I had to wake you up. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
Cian, panting heavily, keeps his fist raised for a long moment just staring at me. Gradually, he seems aware that he’s no longer trapped in his nightmare and his fist slowly lowers. Then his head hangs low between his bare shoulders and he grips his hair with one hand.
“Sorry,” he rasps.
“Don’t,” I say calmly. “It’s fine. You’re okay. I’m okay… You’re okay, right?”
He scoffs roughly, like each noise is scraping its way out of his throat. “Every…” He swallows audibly. “Every time I close my eyes, I’m back there. In that tiny fucking cell with this blinding light above me that never goes out and I can’t reach it to turn it off. It’s just always there glaring down at me. And it’s my bloodon the floor, on the walls. They don’t take me anywhere. They just come into my cell and laugh as they fucking peel the flesh from my bones.”
I’m frozen in place with one hand on his shoulder as Cian suddenly starts pouring his heart out. Will moving remind him who he’s talking to and make him clam back up?
“Sometimes they come in with their little tools and see how deep they can slide their blades between my ribs. Sometimes they bring tools and try to chip away at the bone sticking out my leg. They tell me Saoirse’s dead or that they’re torturing her until she can’t walk, and I’m powerless to help her. Sometimes they just tie me up until my joints are screaming, and I can’t do anything but suffer. Every single breath feels like I’m about to dislocate my hips and my shoulder. And sometimes, they laugh and play games while holding my head under the water, and it’s all in that fucking tiny room and I can’t ever get out.”
I have no words for the horrors pouring from Cian’s mouth. Months he was held captive along with his sister, months the Irish tore apart the city looking for them with no clue that a supposed ally was the one tearing them apart. I glance at Cian’s covered leg and can barely stomach the picture he’s painting with his trembling words.
Without thinking, I slide my arms around his shoulders and pull him close against my chest while tucking his head under my chin. “I’m sorry, Cian. I’m so fucking sorry you went through that and I hate that I can’t fix it. To take even a fraction of your pain is something I’d beg to do. But I’m here, okay?”
Very gently, I cup Cian’s face and stroke his silent tears away with my thumb, then I coax him up to look at me.
“I can’t promise you much, but I swear I will do everything in my power to make sure that never happens again. Do you hear me? You didn’t deserve that, but you’re safe now. I promise you’re safe here with me.”
It takes every ounce of strength I have not to cry as each word splinters in my mind. Cian clutches onto me and in the darkness, I hold him as tightly as I dare. To survive what he went through, only for his family to be stripped away from him a handful of months later.
I already have hatred for Hexagon, but it triples in a single second.
“I’ve got you,” I whisper into Cian’s hair. We stay like that for an unknown length of time until Cian finally pulls away from me. The glow from the bathroom creates soft shadows across his face and he sniffles, then frowns and glances down my body.
“Why are you wet—wait, you’re naked.”
Oh, shit. I came right from my shower and didn’t even think about anything else. Is this a sign he’s okay? Squinting slightly, I nod. “I was showering, remember?”
“And you…?”
“I heard your nightmare and came to make sure you were okay.”
Cian’s averting his eyes while wiping his face, which makes me laugh softly. I guess this means he’s mostly okay. “Relax,” I tease softly, sliding from the bed. “It’s nothing you haven’t seen before. Just… don’t go to sleep again until I come back, alright?”
“Alright,” Cian croaks, and while he seems to be looking away, I’m certain I feel his gaze on me as I hurry back to my shower.Warmth flushes my cheeks and despite the horror Cian just confessed to me, there’s a flicker of hope in my chest.
He wouldn’t have said a word if he didn’t trust me.
8
CIAN
The second she leaves me, I feel more alone than ever. Like some strange emptiness has further opened up inside me. Her touch was achingly familiar, the first comfort I’ve allowed myself in too long. Being in her arms was even more familiar, like I’d woken from a nightmare into a dream of the past with Faina right there just like she always was.
I can’t pursue this sudden rising ache to follow her.
I respect her more than that.
Then again, she ran from her shower to make sure I was alright without even grabbing a towel first. Her concern for me overrode that entirely. She cares.
