“Noah?” he says, voice always so careful. “What’s wrong?”
I force myself to sit up, my pulse skittering and face hot. “Nothing’s wrong,” I say, but my voice wavers, and we both hear it.
Damien sits up too, propping himself on one elbow. He doesn’t touch me, but he doesn’t move away either. He’s watching me as if I might disappear, and it only makes it harder to breathe. “Shit, did I—Did I hurt you? Did I go too fast? Fuck, I didn’t mean—”
“No,” I manage, forcing my voice to steady, or at least not tremble as much as I feel. “It’s not that. I just…” My cheeks are burning, throat tight. “I haven’t—I’ve never done this before.”
He stares at me, confusion evident in his expression. “What do you mean?”
I bite my bottom lip, heat prickling all the way up to my ears. “I mean—” I stammer, mortified. “I’ve never done any of this. I’ve never even—” I gesture vaguely between us, not trusting myself to finish the sentence. “Even the kissing… You’re my first.”
Damien just stares, mouth parted, shock written all over his face. I brace for a reaction: laughter, disbelief, some kind of casual “no way” that’ll make me want to disappear. But he just keeps looking at me.
“Wait… your first?” he finally says, voice soft with disbelief. “You’ve never…?”
“No. Never,” I answer, swallowing hard. “No one else ever interested me. I tried to want it, I even tried to touch myself sometimes, but I just… couldn’t make myself feel it. Not the way everyone else talks about. Not… not until now.”
The look on his face makes me feel like I’m breaking out in hives, and for a second, I’m sure I’ve ruined it. There’s no way he would want someone inexperienced, right? I wrap my arms around myself, wishing I hadn’t said anything.
But then he sits up against the headboard and gestures for me to come closer, pulling me into his lap, until I’m curled against his chest and his arms are wrapped around me again. There’s nothing urgent or demanding in the way he holds me—just warmth, solid and sure, the way he’s always been with me. His cheek rests on my hair, and his heartbeat is steady beneath my ear.
“You know what I’m feeling right now?” His voice is quiet, and I shake my head against his chest, terrified of what might come next.
My eyes sting, and I tuck my face into his neck, not quite able to look at him. “I just… I didn’t want to mess anything up,” I whisper. “I’m scared you’d rather want someone who knows what they’re doing, who can just… give you everything without being so awkward.”
“Hey,” he murmurs. “Look at me, Blue.”
I do, even though my instinct is to hide. His brown eyes are soft, open, a little stunned still, but not in the way I feared. There’s no disappointment there. No impatience. Just… awe.His hand slides up to cradle my jaw, thumb stroking my cheek, forcing me to look at him.
“I’ve wanted you for so long; there’s nothing you could do that would make me want you less. If anything… God, if anything, I want you more than ever. Knowing I get to be the first to show you how good it can feel? I’m fucking honored. Don’t ever think I’d trade that for experience or for some bullshit you think you’re supposed to know.”
I nod, my breath catching, all my doubts unspooling just a little. “You mean that?”
“Yeah. Every damn word,” he says, thumbs stroking over my cheekbones. “I’ll wait for whatever you want, however you want it. If you ever want to stop, we stop. If you want to just kiss, or talk, or lie here like this for hours, that’s perfect. You set the pace, Blue, and if you ever feel lost, just tell me. I’ll never be mad at you for not knowing what to do. I just want you to feel good, and safe, and wanted.”
I tuck myself tighter into his lap, arms wrapping around his waist. “I don’t want to stop,” I whisper. “I want… all of it. But I’m scared I’ll mess up.”
He grins, pressing a kiss to my temple, another to my jaw, trailing down to my shoulder. “You can’t mess this up. Not with me. I swear to god, every second with you is exactly what I want. Doesn’t matter if it’s messy, or awkward, or slow as hell. I just want you however you’ll let me have you. You’ve always been worth waiting for, you hear me?”
The relief that floods through me is staggering. My body sags, tension draining from my shoulders, and I let myself lean into him.
“Although…” he trails off, and I sit back, watching a grin form on his face. “There are a few things I still want to try. But I’ll be good, I promise.”
I blush so hard my ears burn. “What kind of things?”
His laugh is wicked but fond. “We can start with more of this,” he murmurs, and kisses me again, but it’s nothing rushed or greedy. When he pulls back, he rests his hand on my cheek, thumb rubbing just beneath my blue eye. “Anytime you want to stop, you say so. You call the shots.”
“Okay,” I whisper, feeling so at ease and safe with the only person I have ever been in love with.
Damien smiles again, and it’s the smile I remember from summer nights years ago when he’d lean over the handlebars of his bike and dare me to race him down to the lake. I always lost, and I always blamed it on the gravel. Now he looks at me like he’d lose every race on purpose if it meant I’d smile back at him.
He flips us over so he’s on top again, gaze pinning me in place. “Can I take your shirt off, Blue?” His voice is soft, but there’s a hunger barely leashed beneath it.
He doesn’t move a millimeter as he watches me, and I realize I’m nodding before I know it. My heart is a wild, tripping thing in my chest, pounding so hard it feels as if I’m vibrating with the urge to be brave.
“Yeah,” I whisper.
He kisses me once—just the brush of his mouth over mine, a reassurance and a thank you all in one. His hands slide to the hem of my shirt, fingers curling in the cotton. “You sure?” he asks, checking, waiting, never pushing.
