“Yeah,” he says with a soft chuckle, but there’s no humor in it.
“You were… You and Sage were…?”
“Not officially,” Luca says, holding up a hand as he explains further. “We were circling each other, or rather, I was circling him. I hadn’t figured my shit out yet, and you didn’t know. But yeah, I tried to stop you that night, remember?”
I do, now. Vividly. He grabbed my arm, tried to say something, and I brushed him off, ready to throw hands for the way he grabbed me. I thought he was just being an ass, but now I see that moment for what it was. “Fuck, Luca. I didn’t know.”
He waves me off. “Told you, it’s fine. I wasn’t in a good place back then. I was using, hooking up, and trying to numb everything. Sage was… I don’t know—he got under my skin faster than I could pull him out. You weren’t the problem, man.”
I stare at the floor, the guilt a dull throb in my gut. “Still feels like a dick move.”
Luca shrugs, watching the condensation on his Gatorade drip onto the floor. “It was what it was. I’m not mad. I just—” He stops, running a hand over his jaw, then lets out a slow breath. “I know how it feels seeing someone you know you shouldn’t care about, with someone else. Even if they’re not yours. Even if they were never yours to begin with. When you want someone, everything feels like a threat.”
I run my thumb along the bruised line of my knuckle, swallowing thickly. “I’m not—”
“Don’t lie to me, D. You care about him. And maybe you’ve spent the last few years trying to act like you don’t, but the second he started smiling again—with someone else—you remembered exactly how much you do.”
My throat tightens… fuck me, he’s right. But what can I do about it? Blue doesn’t think of me that way. I’m just his ex-stepbrother who packed up and left him behind.
“I know it fucking sucks, man,” Luca leans forward, elbows braced on his thighs, eyes fixed on some spot in the middle distance. “Wanting someone so badly that the thought of them being with anyone else physically hurts. Watching them laugh with someone else and knowing you can’t be the one to make them feel that safe anymore.”
I nod slowly, pressing the heel of my hand into my chest. “I’m just scared.”
“Of what, though?” Luca prompts, voice gentler than before.
“That I’ll ruin it again,” I admit. “That I’ll want too much and fuck it all up like I always do.”
He lets out a sigh, shaking his head as he turns to look at me. “You’re not the same guy you were back then, D. You’ve changed.”
I look up, meeting his eyes. “How do you know that?”
“Because a year ago, you would’ve looked for a warm hole to fill your time. You wouldn’t be down here beating the shit out of a punching bag over a guy you’re too scared to admit you love.”
I swallow hard, looking away. “You think I should do something?”
“I think,” Luca says gently, putting a hand on my shoulder, “you should stop lying to yourself and pretending you don’t care.”
I stare at the ground, shoulders tense. “I don’t know how to do that.”
“Start small,” he says. “Text him. Check in. Be his friend, if that’s what he’ll let you be. But don’t sit back and stew while someone else does what you’re too scared to do.”
I drag a hand over my face, scrubbing at the sweat on my brow. “He’s not mine.”
“He might not be,” Luca agrees. “But maybe he still wants you in his life. You’ll never know unless you stop hiding in here and beating up our punching bags.”
I laugh weakly. “You’re starting to sound like Sage.”
Luca snorts, pushing himself to his feet. “Sage would’ve just kicked your ass and told you to stop being a little bitch.”
“Accurate,” I mutter, a small smile pulling at my lips.
We stay like that for a while longer, the hum of the overhead light and the distant sound of music upstairs the only noises in the room. I don’t know if anything’s changed, but the ache in my chest feels a little more bearable now.
I glance sideways at Luca, not realizing how much I actually needed a friend to talk to. Someone who, up until a year ago, was hiding a big secret of his own. “Thanks, man.”
Luca nods, grinning as he grabs his towel off the bench. “Anytime. Just don’t make me hold that bag again unless I get hazard pay,” he says, clapping me on the back before heading for the door. “You’ll figure it out, Moore.”
I nod, even if I don’t believe it yet.
