But Chloe died because she left her by the pond. And her sister in the 1940s died because of her too. She doesn’t know yet if it’s the same for all of them, but if it is …
Saskia is frowning at her now. She has a very expressive face, Lissa is finding. ‘Do you think you deserve punishment, Lissa?’
‘No,’ she says automatically, even as her brain thinks:Yes.‘I’m just curious.’
‘Hmm. Well, either way, I don’t think that can be it. I’m not qualified to explain life’s mysteries – far from it – but I can say that I don’t think the universe sets out to punish or reward people, however much some might wish that were the case.’
Lissa is quiet for a moment. She hopes Saskia is right about that. She hopes it’s not about experiencing the grief of many lifetimes in order to pay for what she did.
‘Perhaps it’s more about you learning something,’ Saskia says, after a beat of quiet.
Lissa’s eyes refocus on the woman in front of her. ‘But what?’
Saskia smiles a little, shakes her head. ‘I can’t tell you that. You’re the one experiencing this.’
Lissa frowns – that’s not overly helpful, is it?
As if she can hear Lissa’s thoughts, Saskia chuckles quietly. ‘Often with these things it’s not about the specifics, but about something much more general. And I have found that sometimes it seems as if a present life is giving us a chance to right the wrongs of the past. I’m not saying that’s always the case – though it would be nice if it was – but I had a client once who had a traumatic past life, from what she could remember after her regression. A house being burnt down, children torn from her, forced to flee her home. In the present, she’s a happily married mother of three who has been in the same home for twenty years. So it was like she’d had the chance to have the life she wanted – or at least she wanted those things because of what had happened to her.’
Lissa stares at Saskia, trying to keep up. Then, ‘I don’t know how that applies to me,’ she says bluntly. After all, Chloe has already died. And it’s far too late to rectify that, isn’t it? Unless it’s about her learning something now to take into a future life. So that next time, she doesn’t leave her sister alone – so that she can prevent her death.
Which leads her to realise … ‘I don’t know how I died.’ She finishes the thought out loud. ‘In any of the lives, I mean. I’m only getting flashes of particular moments – and I don’t know how I died.’ Her sister, and romance, that’s all she’s seeing. And she doesn’t know what the romance is teaching her, unless it’s trying to encourage her to find the love of her life in this lifetime too. But she doesn’t seem to be much older than she is now, in any of the flashbacks. And if she lived in both the 1920s and the 1950s, she must have died young in at least one of her lives.
Saskia offers another of her sympathetic smiles. ‘I know better than anyone that we can’t control what we see or don’t see, and that things are often confusing, out of order. Our minds are trying to make sense of a bigger picture, but we’re unequipped to do so.’
Lissa huffs out an impatient breath. ‘I just … I feel like there’s something I’m supposed to be understanding from all this, but it’s like my mind just won’t catch up.’
Saskia contemplates her for a moment. ‘It may be you’re thinking too hard about it. There’s not necessarily a reason behind everything – and even if there is, sometimes by staring directly at something it becomes harder to see what that reason is.’ She lets that sink in, then adds, ‘For what it’s worth, when I do regression sessions, I often tell my clients that the experience is less about trying to pinpoint what exactly happened in the past – because we rarely get concrete answers about that – and more about what we might be able to uncover about ourselves in the present, to help with our future.’
Lissa wrinkles her nose at that – it’s not the answer she came here for. Saskia smiles a little, like she can see her thoughts. ‘I do also think there’s a danger that by focusing obsessively on the past, we let our present lives pass us by. That’s the same with any past – I’m not just talking about past lives here.’
But how is she supposed tonotfocus on her past, when it seems intent on haunting her?
‘I wonder, Lissa,’ Saskia continues, ‘would you consent to letting me read your cards for you?’
Lissa frowns. She seems to have done a lot of that this session. ‘Cards?’
‘Tarot. It might help us figure out what you need to reframe in order to move past this and learn whatever it is you feel you need to learn.’
‘Tarot cards?’ She can’t quite keep the scepticism out of her voice.
Saskia laughs, a big, booming sound. Lissa finds she likes it. ‘So you’re willing to believe in past lives, but you don’t believe in tarot?’ Lissa wrinkles her nose, unable to answer that one. ‘Well,’ Saskia says, ‘there’s no pressure. But if you decide you want to give it a go, let me know. It would be free of charge, given that I don’t think today really counts as a session.’
‘Oh. Well, thank you.’ It’s a kind gesture, one that leads Lissa to think she was right in her assessment of Saskia the first time around – if she’s faking her clairvoyant skills, she’s not doing it intentionally. ‘I’ll think about it.’
‘Do,’ Saskia says, as they both get to their feet. ‘Because I’d say it sounds like you’re a little stuck in the past, and maybe you ought to start thinking a bit about your future.’
Chapter Fourteen
‘This is glorious,’ Darcy says, resting her head back against the wall of the sauna. The air is hot and dry, and sweat coats the back of Lissa’s thighs, despite the fact they’ve only been in here a matter of minutes.
‘Mm,’ Mia agrees, closing her eyes and taking a breath.
To Lissa, it feels way too hot, but she knows there are plenty of benefits to a sauna. She recites them in her head as she tries to adjust to the temperature and relax. Improved circulation. Detoxification. Good for the skin.Hot, hot, hot.
‘So what do you think?’ she asks out loud, needing to talk to distract herself from thinking her insides might be about to boil. Luckily, it’s just the three of them in the sauna, and she doesn’t have to worry about being overheard. ‘Am I crazy?’ She’s told both of them that she thinks she’s getting memories from her past lives, figuring that if she can’t tell Mia and Darcy, she can’t tell anyone.
‘Probably,’ Darcy says on a yawn.
