At hurting him again.
I approach my brother with all the love in my heart.
I come to stand in front of him and say, “You were not harsh, Con. You’re my brother. You were worried about me and I gave you the worst news in the world. I get that.” I swallow, blinking back tears. “I get that I hurt you. I keep hurting you and I’m so sorry for that. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know how to make it up to you and maybe you’ll never look at me the same way as you did before. Before everything, and I don’t blame you.”
I turn to Ledger then.
He’s at last looked away from Reed and even though his stance is still the same, wide and battle ready, his eyes are liquid. His features are rippling with pain and I want to go hug him.
But maybe he’ll reject me now after what I’ve done and I don’t think I can take it.
So I keep standing in my spot as I address Ledger, “I don’t blame you for being angry and for hating me, Ledge. I actually wasn’t even expecting you to forgive me the first time. But you did and I’ll never forget that. You were there for me, that summer. You and Stellan and Shepard, and I’ll always, always, love you for that. You guys are the best brothers a girl could ask for and so I’m going to be a good sister to you and tell you that you don’t have to forgive me this time.”
I turn to Con again. “You don’t have to forgive me either. You can hate me, Con. It will hurt me but I’ll take it. Because you never asked for this, for this kind of disappointment and burden from your sister.” I swallow again. “You’re the only father figure I’ve known and you mean more to me than you can ever imagine. You’re not just my brother. You’re the guy who brought me up. I wouldn’t be here without you. You’re my everything.
“And I wish that I could give you what you want, Con. But I can’t.” I cradle my belly. “I can’t kill her. I’m sorry. I’m not capable of killing her. She’s mine now and maybe she’s only a bunch of cells right now and I don’t even know for sure if she’s ashebut I can’t. Please, Con. I’m sorry.”
After I’m done, it feels like Con studies me for the longest time.
For the longest time, he doesn’t say anything.
And as I said to him just now, it hurts.
It hurts that my brothers might never forgive me. That one decision, the most important decision that I’ve ever made, is going to tear us apart.
And it hurts even more when Conrad looks away from me and addresses Reed. “Are you aware that my sister wanted to go to Juilliard?”
Clenching my eyes shut, I bow my head.
“Yes,” Reed says from behind me.
But he doesn’t stay there.
He comes forward. He stands toe to toe with my brother, both tall and strong.
“She’s wanted it ever since she was five,” Con tells him. “I took her to all her dance classes. I attended all her recitals and shows. And then I watched her get kicked out of her ballet studio.”
My eyes are on my brother but I know the lines around Reed’s mouth have tightened. I can feel it.
“After me,” Reed says in a low voice.
“After you,” Conrad continues as he stares at Reed. “I also watched while she got arrested. I went with her to the police station. I watched while her future hung in the balance. But you know that part, don’t you? You brought me the deal.”
“It wasn’t enough.”
“No, it wasn’t. She still had to go to that school. She still had to live in a dorm, follow all the stupid fucking rules. Because of what you did to her. How you used her and abused her trust. For a sport.”
“I know.”
Reed’s voice has gone threadbare. It has become a series of gruff syllables and grunts and I fist my hands at my sides. Because for some reason I want to touch him.
I want to take his hand in mine and give it a squeeze.
But I won’t.
I can’t.
Definitely not in front of my brothers. I’ve betrayed them so many times. I can’t keep making the same mistake.
