“Are you fucking joking?” Con thunders.
I flinch at his tone.
I want to hide at his tone. I want to just agree with him but I can’t. I have to fight.
I have to.
I have to think of…her.
“I’m not terminating my baby, Con,” I say, trying to hold on to my courage.
“Your baby.”
“Yes.” I raise my chin. “My baby.”
When I was making all the decisions, I also decided that it’s going to be a girl.
As I said, I don’t remember anything about my mom except what my brothers have told me and it has always made me sad.
Not having a mom. Not having afriendin my mom.
So I’m going to have a friend in my baby girl.
Of course I know that you can’t decide these things, but still. I’m going to have a baby girl and I’m going to take care of her. I’m going to love her and be there for her like I imagine my own mother being there for me before she died. And as soon as I decided that, there was no thought of terminating her.
There was no thought of killing my baby.
I’ve already lost my mother, I’m not going to lose my baby too.
“Yourbabythat you’re having at eighteen fucking years old,” he snaps in a raised voice.
This time I’m better able to handle it though.
I hardly flinch when I say, very calmly, “I’m Mom’s age when she had you.”
His response is to clench his jaw, grind his teeth as he stares at me angrily. But again I don’t let it deter me.
I have to make my case.
“I know you think it’s a mistake. I know that. I know you think that I can’t do it. But I can. I know I’m young and it will be hard. I’m not saying it won’t be. But if Mom could do it, I can do it too. In fact, I have a plan. I made a plan, Con.”
I look around and find my green backpack sitting on the floor by the coffee table. “I have it in my bag. I have a list of all the things that I need to do before she gets here. First, I’ll quit school. I know that’s not ideal. I know that. But I need a job and I need to save up money right now. But I’m not giving up on my education. I’m not. I’ve decided to get my GED while I wait for her to be here, and once she gets a little bigger, I’ll enroll inonline classes or night classes. There are so many options these days, Con. It’s not like before. I looked at so many brochures online and you can take out student loans. There are options for young mothers, see?
“And I know that…” This is slightly harder but I have to do it and so I forge on. “I know I have to quit ballet. I have to quit the dream of being a ballerina. But it’s okay. I’ll get a new dream. I’ll get a new goal. I can do it. For myself and for her and —”
“Who’s her?” he asks.
His voice has calmed down and I can’t help but think that maybe I’m making headway. Maybe he gets it now. I’m not all prepared but at least I have a starting point, right?
I touch my belly again and smile hesitantly. “Her. I think it’s a girl.”
He stares at my midsection for a beat, expressionless. Then, “What job?”
“What?”
“What kind of a job are you going to get?”
“I was thinking my summer job. At Buttery Blossoms,” I say. “I guess it won’t be enough though. So I’ll try to get a second job. Maybe nights or something. Or on the weekends.”
