The claws twist in my organs and I choke out, “Yes.”
Because I was a stubborn, foolish asshole who was going to leave her.
“Is it because of her, then? Is that why you won’t get back together with Sarah? Because you have a thing for her sister?”
I’ve heard that tone from my mom before.
It’s a tone that brings a hot surge of shame. A surge of crawling bugs.
But I crush them now. This thing inside of me crushes the shame into a million pieces and that’s when I realize what this savage thing is.
It’s my heart.
It has turned into an animal. It has turned into an organ of fury. An organ of anger with claws and roars and it’s pounding so fast, so ferociously that it’s making me shake.
“No, Mom,” I say with a voice that’s shaking too. “I’m not with Sarah anymore because we shouldn’t have gotten together in the first place. Our whole relationship was a mistake and the evidence of that is the fact that she cheated on me. And I didn’ttell you because I was ashamed. Because I thought I’d failed and I wasn’t perfect. Because I thought perfection was everything and I didn’t want to disappoint you. But I’m glad it happened. I’m glad she cheated. I’m glad I’m not perfect because if I was then I wouldn’t have noticed her. I wouldn’t have noticed the girl for whom I’m going to fucking destroy this Samantha Miller. That’s her name, isn’t it? For her, I’m going to tear apart those guards because they dared to touch her. And I’m going to fucking crush every single person who stands in my way. And I’m going to do all of that because she’s the girl I’ll do anything for. She’s the girl I’llbeanything for. Do you understand? She’s my girl and I’m going to her.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Iforgot to hide my shoeboxes.
I forgot to put them in a safe place and now my letters are gone.
I kept telling myself that I would. That I would carry them all in my backpack and go across campus and hide them up in the third-floor bathroom or bury them by the gardenias or something.
I mean there are a lot of places where I could have hidden them.
But I didn’t.
“I forgot.”
I hear my own scratchy voice and I think I said it out loud.
But I can’t be sure because things are a little hazy as well as a little loud. There are beeping sounds around me and I think that my eyes are closed too.
When I blink them open, I see a room I’ve never seen before but I immediately know what it is.
That stink of bleach and the white pristine ceiling can only belong to one place. Plus the beeping machine by my head andthe drip that hangs by it and is connected to my arm are a clear indication.
I’m in a hospital.
Because they took my letters.
Because I forgot to hide them and they were reading one out loud and I didn’t know how to make them stop.
“Hey, you’re awake.”
It’s Callie.
I turn my head to look at her. “Hey. Yeah.”
She’s sitting on a chair beside my bed and she looks haggard. Her eyes are swollen and there are dark circles under them. Still she’s smiling at me, her elbows on the bed. “How do you feel?”
I blink several times, trying to think.
I even try to move my body but everything feels so heavy and clunky. So lethargic and foggy.
“Dizzy. Lazy.”
