Because I already knew that there was very little chance that we’d ever get together. Very little chance that he’d ever love me.
Someone like me. Someone so opposite of him.
And I’ve known this ever since I was ten.
But my heart, my fucking heart, doesn’t understand that. It doesn’t understand logic and rationalizations and all the explanations I’ve been giving myself ever since I turned around and left him standing in the snow.
Because ever since I was ten, I’ve also wanted just one thing.
Him.
To be perfect for him. To be special to him.
Yeah, my heart is stupid and it hurts.
It hurts so bad that I walk around St. Mary’s with perpetual water in my eyes.
My tears sit there as I work in the garden with the rest of the girls. When I secretly clip a gardenia and pocket it, one spills out and flows down to my trembling lips. Another spills when I do my trig homework later in the library and get all the questions wrong because he isn’t here to teach me.
The girls are as supportive as they’ve ever been.
Especially when I tell them everything.
I tell them that I’ve loved him since I was ten and that I shouldn’t have because he was with my sister. Then I tell them that last night when I yelledI love youto him, he told me to get lost.
I don’t tell them about the breakup though, and all the other secrets that he has. Because I will never tell, not in a million years. I know that without filling in those gaps, I might come off as a girl with a witchy heart who goes after her sister’s boyfriend.
But like him, they don’t judge.
Like him, they absolve me, which is something I haven’t really thought about, him absolving me, I mean. Because if I do,I might never get up from my bed. I might never stop crying for what he did for me.
Something wonderful.
Anyway, my friends listen and when I cry for the thousandth time, they wipe my tears. Then Poe says that we’ll be going out tonight.
Because I could use a distraction.
Actually, I’m not the only one. Callie could use a distraction too.
Because her mood is like mine.
Her mood is blacker, actually.
Maybe because for the past two days, she’s been kinda sick. I mean, it comes and goes. Like yesterday, she was throwing up in the morning but she was fine all day after that. Today too, she had a bout of vomiting before walking over for breakfast.
I don’t know what’s going on.
Maybe it’s some kind of a stomach bug.
But whatever this is, we have decided that if it doesn’t get better soon – as she keeps insisting – we’ll drag her to the nurse ourselves.
So maybe going out is a good thing.
Although I don’t think anything can cheer me up, not for a very long time. But if it helps Callie then I’m all for it.
That’s why hours later, I stack my pillows on the bed and cover them with a blanket before tiptoeing out of the room. I walk down the darkened hallway and meet the girls at the exit.
However, instead of pushing the door open, they all give me grave looks.
