Another text appears before I can respond.
Mom:Also she says you're living with four men. Four. Aunt Linda would have opinions but she's gone. She met a surf instructor named Diego. He's 32. She's 67. She's selling her house and moving to Sayulita. I'm alone in Mexico, Jessica!
Stacey leans over to read my phone and starts cackling.
"Is that your mom?"
"Unfortunately."
Mom:Don't panic. I'm not actually alone. Ricardo and Eduardo have been very kind. Eduardo made me fish tacos yesterday. Ricardo taught me to play dominoes. I'm terrible but they're patient.
A photo appears. Mom sitting at an outdoor table with two middle-aged men, laughing, a margarita in her hand.
Mom:That's Ricardo on the left. Eduardo on the right. The important thing is: Are you safe? Are you happy? Should I come home?
Me:Mom. I'm fine. I'm safe. I'm happy. Stay in Mexico.
Mom:Are you sure? Because Miguel's mother makes these tamales that are life-changing. I cried, Jessica. Actual tears over corn and meat.
Mom:Also Paulo called. Ricardo's cousin, remember? The philosophy professor? He says pack dynamics are very normal in Brazil and you shouldn't let society dictate your happiness. Very wise man. Also very handsome but that's irrelevant.
Another photo. The silver-haired man from before, looking distinguished.
Mom:That's Paulo. Just for context. We had coffee yesterday. Well, he had coffee. I had something called café de olla. It has cinnamon in it, Jessica. Cinnamon in coffee!
Me:Mom. Are you okay there by yourself?
Mom:I'm not by myself! That's what I'm trying to tell you! The entire neighborhood has adopted me. Eduardo's bringing groceries tomorrow. Ricardo's teaching me Spanish slang that I definitely shouldn't repeat. Miguel's mother invited me to her sister's birthday party. I have more social events than I did in Largo Waters!
Mom:Anyway. Back to you. I know the Negrorio boys. Sergio was always responsible. Pedro was grumpy even at twelve. Carlos set off fireworks in the backyard once. And Nacho... well, Nacho was quiet. But are they VACCINATED? This is important, Jessica.
Stacey is fully crying with laughter now. "Your mom wants to know if they're vaccinated."
"She's in Mexico with unlimited margaritas and has apparently lost all social filters."
Mom:Aunt Linda texted from the beach with Diego. She says four is "ambitious but valid." She tried dating two men in the 70s and it was "exhausting" but she supports you completely. Then she sent me a photo of Diego's abs. I didn't ask for Diego's abs, Jessica, but I have them now.
Mom:Miguel laughed for ten minutes when I tried to order fish. Apparently I asked for "fish with anger" instead of "fish with garlic." The word is "ajo" not "enojo." Very similar. Very confusing.
Me:I'm sorry Aunt Linda abandoned you.
Mom:She didn't abandon me! She found love! At 67! With a surf instructor who can do a handstand on a paddleboard! I'm happy for her! I'm just also alone in a foreign country where I barely speak the language!
Mom:Except Ricardo taught me to say "Más tequila, por favor" and "¿Dónde está el baño?" so I'm surviving.
Me:Those seem like the important phrases.
Mom:They are. Now. Are you in love with all four of them? Is that allowed? Paulo says it's allowed. Eduardo says his uncle had three wives and everyone was happy. Ricardo says love is love and I should stop asking invasive questions.
Me:I love them. All of them. Yes.
Mom:Good. Then I support you completely. You left Callum because he wasn't right. These men sound right. That's all that matters.
Mom:Also Mrs. Morrison called yesterday. Very upset about the parking lot incident. I told her that her son grabbed you and you defended yourself. Then I hung up. It felt wonderful.
Me:That was perfect. I love you.
Mom:Love you too, baby. Be safe. Be happy. Use protection. All the protection. Four alphas means four times the possibilityof grandchildren and I'm not ready. Actually I might be ready. Discuss among yourselves.
