mermaidav: He looks so distinguished in his little hat! Why was he demoted??
SpyderMan: He wouldn’t stay in line and headbutted a drummer in the parade.
The laughter feels so good; I lean into it. The sound fills the car, wet with emotion, and I wipe the tears under my eyes with the edge of my sleeve.
mermaidav: Thank you. That legitimately helped.
SpyderMan: Do you wantto talk about it?
Gnawing on my lip, I consider my response. It’s no bitching to girlfriends over margaritas, but it still makes me feel warm. Because he asked. He cares. He’s probably the only person in the world I would tell.
mermaidav: Do you ever wish you’d made different choices in life?
SpyderMan: Sometimes. Does this have anything to do with wanting to move to the forest and befriend crows to escape your responsibilities?
mermaidav: lol you remember that silly conversation?
SpyderMan: I remember every conversation.
My breath catches. That’s… so unbelievably sweet, I’m not sure what to do about it. Did he mean it to be sweet? I swallow and decide it’s more likely that he’s just being kind of snarky, as per usual.
mermaidav: Things are hard right now, and it’s my own fault. I just can’t help feeling that if I’d done things differently, my life would be a lot easier. If I did what was expected of me, or acted how I was always told to act, or prioritized different things... If I was someone else.
He types and deletes his message a few times, and I watch the dots dance across the screen with a mounting kind of nervous excitement. Whenever he’s extra careful in choosing his words, it’s usually a doozy.
SpyderMan: It’s possible—but that’s the problem with what if’s. The theoretical always feels possible. You’ll go mad torturing yourself with possibilities of things you can’t change.
I blow out a breath of disappointment. It’s not exactly what I wanted to hear, but he’s right, and it’s practical advice. Wishing things were different is always a waste of time. I start typing a response, but then another comes through from him.
SpyderMan: I wouldn’t trade who you are for any theoretical version of you. I like this mermaid.This mermaid is clever and resourceful. She’s daring and courageous. People like you take risks and find your own way through life. It’s one of the things I admire most about you.
My chest fills with warmth, and I wipe another tear that wells for an altogether different reason. To have someone I admire tell me that they admire me back is one thing… For it to bethisperson is another. The fizzy, floaty feeling of being seen and known and appreciated for who I am slowly melts into a dull kind of ache—because I’ve never wanted anything more in my whole life, and I can’t have him.
Fuck. I don’t want to be SpyderMan and mermaidav anymore. I want more. I want to know who he is—I want to show him who I really am. Even if he lives halfway across the world, or he’s actually artificial intelligence being trained on human emotions and mediocre puns… I just want a chance to see if this is real.
Why can’t we be more?
I sigh. I know exactly why—what I do is illegal, and what he does is probably dangerous. Even if he’s trustworthy, there’s no guarantee that there isn’t someone looking over his shoulder, like the mob or Interpol. Any identifying detail puts not just me at risk, but Abuela as well. Even if I’d take that risk for myself, I won’t put her life in danger.
I know it’s better this way… it’s just a bitter pill and I can’t dwell on it, or I’ll land right back in the sad place I just crawled out of.
mermaidav: How does it feel to be so sure of yourself and have everything figured out?
SpyderMan: Ha. I wish. Don’t let me fool you—I have my doubts like everyone else. I often question whether or not I’m a decent person or doing the right thing.
mermaidav: Well, if it makes you feel better, I’ve seen enough shit to know that bad people don’t really worry about whether they’re doing the right thing or being a good person.
SpyderMan: I thought I was meant to be making you feel better.
mermaidav: You did. You always do. I guess I just want to be that person for you, too. Because that’s what you do for your friends.
mermaidav: And we’re friends, right?
SpyderMan: Of course. As much as anonymous internet friends can be.
I suck in a breath. Fuck.
How does he always hit the nail on the head like that? I don’t know if the comment was meant to knock me back into place because he thought I was getting too close, but it stings. And it should.
