He was as honorable as she’d suspected.
“No. Well, yes, he was my lover but he… It was more than that. He was supposed to be my husband.”
She could tell from Sven’s sudden stillness that she had rendered him speechless.
“Do you want to tell me about him?”
“Doyouwant me to tell you about him?” she countered. Why would he? Weren’t men supposed to be jealous of other men? Didn’t they prefer to pretend the woman they were bedding hadn’t had anyone before them even if they knew it was not the case?
Sven had the honesty not to hide his discomfort but he met her gaze without flinching. “I will listen if you think it would help you.”
It didn’t take her long to see that it would. Odd as it was, she wanted to tell Sven about her lost love. “I think it would.”
He took her hand in his. “Come then. Let’s take a walk.”
10
Awalk had been the perfect suggestion. As they went deeper and deeper into the forest, Eahlswith found herself telling Sven everything about Edwin. Why, she wasn’t sure. Perhaps because he was listening attentively, and his face betrayed no annoyance or frustration. Perhaps because she relished the chance to talk about the man she had never quite stopped loving. Perhaps because with the snowy world wrapping them in a silent cocoon, everything seemed unreal anyway, as if for a little while they were in a bubble of peace suspended above reality.
“I arrived in town five years ago, at the age of twenty, having decided to leave my native village for good.” There she paused, not wanting to reveal the reason why. It was a painful topic and it had nothing to do with Edwin himself so there was no point mentioning it. Would Sven sense she was hiding something and ask her anyway?
To her relief, he didn’t comment, even if she could tell he’d guessed some part of the story was missing.
She carried on. “At first I didn’t know anyone, as you can imagine. The first few days were hard but I had been luckyenough to strike a friendship with a group of laundresses I had met at the river upon my arrival in town. Realizing that I had nowhere to live, they let me sleep in the room they used to boil the laundry at night. After about a week, I met Osbert. He saw me one day at the market, trying to convince the fishmonger to give me the crumbs of salted fish at the bottom of his barrel. He deduced from this that I had little, if no means of subsistence and he offered to house me until I found one. Though I had no way of knowing whether I could trust him or not, I agreed.”
It was inexplicable and perhaps foolish, but she had known instantly that she had nothing to fear from the old man. In the same way, she had known as soon as she had seen Sven in the summer that she could act on the desire he stirred in her without fear of being hurt. And she had known just as clearly as soon as she had met Wiglaf that he was best avoided.
But what had happened with him was precisely what she didn’t want to think about.
“I’m not surprised you accepted Osbert’s kind offer. The man is as trustworthy as any I’ve ever met.” Sven said, echoing her thoughts. “The fact alone that he wanted to help you says a lot about him.”
“Exactly. Perhaps it was that he reminded me of my father, who had died not so long before that made me trust him. I know not. In any case, that night he brought me to his home. His son was there.”
With those words, Eahlswith was instantly transported back in time. From the moment she had entered that house, her life had been irremediably changed.
Edwin had been tall for a Saxon, almost as tall as Sven, his hair slightly darker, his body slightly leaner. But he’d had the same masculine appeal, something that called to the part of her that made her a woman. As soon as she had seen the smiling young man welcoming her in, she’d fallen in love.
The feeling had not been dissimilar to what she had felt when she had seen Sven standing outside his hut back in the summer. Except that, since he had been bare-chested at the time, some might say she had fallen in lust, not love. Perhaps. But it mattered not. It had been the same immediate reaction, visceral. She had been struck by the knowledge that the person in front of her had a role to play in her life. Whether it was for one night or for the rest of her days was inconsequential.
Sven threw her a sideways glance and she was reminded that he was still waiting for the rest of the story.
“The two men lived together in the house you know, Osbert’s wife having died the previous year and the other children having moved out. They helped me find a way to provide for myself and get a home. About a month after I’d met them, I moved into the house I live in now. Edwin kissed me for the first time that evening.” She paused, lost in memory of that moment. It had been a sweet kiss, quickly followed by other, more passionate ones. “I think he felt too ill-at-ease to try anything while we were staying with his father.”
Indeed, though physically there had been a certain resemblance between them, Edwin had been nowhere near as self-assured, as commanding as the Norseman currently walking next to her, especially where women were concerned. It might have been due to his age. Edwin had only been one-and-twenty at the time, a year older than her. Whatever the reason for it, he’d been shy. Though it had been obvious he desired her, it had taken him days to build up the courage to kiss her. He would never have invited her into his home mere moments after locking eyes with her or buried his head under his skirt as soon as he’d closed the door behind him.
Their lovemaking had been wonderful, but she would not have described it as wild. More as sweet and gentle. She had been his first conquest, and he hers, even if she had alreadykissed a handful of other men. It had been wonderful, nothing like her laundress friends described. If they were to be believed, men were only interested in their own pleasure and rutted like animals. Edwin had been nothing like that.
“He was your first lover, and showed you what pleasure could be had between a man and a woman.”
As ever, Sven was following her thoughts. He didn’t sound accusatory but all the same, he didn’t doubt that he was right. Of course, he would have felt she was no virgin when he had possessed her and her behavior that day had not been that of an innocent. She had responded to his silent invitation, something an untouched woman might not have done, and afterward in his arms, she had shown no inhibition, exploring every inch of his body, doing to him what she had only ever dared do to Edwin.
“Yes. It wasn’t long before we agreed to get married and we didn’t see why we should wait until the actual wedding to share a bed. As he wanted his brothers and sisters to attend the ceremony, and they lived quite far away, that would have meant waiting for weeks. We loved one another, we saw no reason to deny ourselves the pleasure we needed.”
Once again, Sven merely nodded. He clearly agreed.
“What happened to him?” So he’d guessed the wedding had never taken place. Not that it was hard. Her grim tone was hinting at a catastrophe.
Eahlswith came to halt and swallowed, as familiar guilt stabbed at her chest. How would she bear to say out loud what had happened? Knowing that there was no way to soften the blow, she delivered it in one blunt sentence.
