Blaze grabbed my hand in his, linking our fingers together. When he squeezed gently, I looked at him, my throat too fucking tight to speak. “And I’m not losing you, Jax,” he said softly, his gaze locked on mine. “Losing you will fucking kill me. You may as well take me out with you if you decide to go.”
Chapter 7
Jaxon
I stared at Blaze, trying to think past his words on repeat in my brain. Didn’t he know I’d never leave him? Not like the way he was thinking. Did I contemplate suicide? Yes. Those fucking intrusive thoughts were so fucking tempting. But all I had to think about was him, of existing without him wherever I might fucking end up, and I couldn’t do it. Because I didn’t want to live in any world where I didn’t have my best friend. My rock. The person who’d been keeping my nostrils above the water so I didn’t drown in my misery.
“I’d never leave you,” I rasped. Shaking my head, I pushed the fingers of my free hand through my hair. “Fuck. I never want you all to think I’d…” I shook my head, looking at Samuel, since he’d been the one to confront me on this, even though it seemed to be a group effort. “I’m not going to kill myself. I swear.”
“But the thoughts are there.” Hunter wasn’t asking. It was a statement. But I nodded anyway. I wouldn’t lie to them, especially not now that they knew. Hunter, Blaze, and I had never lied to each other, not when it really mattered, and I had no plans of starting now. Hunter had hidden his sexuality from us, yeah, but honestly, his sexuality had been none of our business, and how long he took to come out of the closet was his business alone and should have always been on his terms.
“They’re there,” I confirmed.
“You need therapy,” Samuel told me. “Your doctor hasn’t referred you to one yet?”
I shrugged one shoulder. “He’s mentioned it but has not made a referral, no. I just… I feel like therapy will somehow make it worse. Having to talk about it and focus on it…” My voice trailed off, my skin crawling at the mere thought of it. Of some stranger getting up and personal with me, invading my mind and trying to fix me. Something that couldn’t be repaired. The only thing that would fix me was my mind fixing itself from that goddamn head injury, and that was never going to happen. My results of that tackle were permanent.
“I thought therapy was a load of fucking bullshit that would just make my own shit worse, too,” Samuel said. “But it helped, man. Fucking dragged me out of my bullshit, helped me stop lashing out at everyone when they didn’t goddamn deserve it. I stopped feeling like I was going to crawl out of my fucking skin every two damn seconds. And my head is quiet the majority of the time. Wasn’t fucking easy, and if you go to therapy, it won’t be easy for you either. But it’ll be fucking worth it.”
The mere thought of going to therapy made my skin crawl, and it just made my headache pulse at my temples even more painfully. Fuck knew I had the money and health insurance to do it, but fuck, having the willpower? That was another concern.
“We can’t force you to go,” Blaze said, his hand still wrapped around mine. I looked up at him, and his imploring gaze just about did me in. “But can you at least think about it? Please?”
“And in the meantime, whenever you’re having those thoughts, reach out to one of us. Being alone with them isn’t going to help you,” Hunter told me.
Stiffly, I nodded. Samuel scooted to the edge of the couch, then leaned forward to begin loading up one of the Styrofoam plates with food. “We said our pieces, and now, I’m fucking ravenous since I got dragged out of bed.” He shot Hunter a smirk. “And someone better make that up to me later.”
I grunted, scrunching my nose in disgust. I did not want to think about the two of them fucking, much less hear anything about it. “Keep it in your fucking pants.”
Blaze laughed. “You going to eat?” he asked me. When I nodded, he smiled, and my fucking whole body melted. Why was he so fucking gorgeous when he smiled? And why did it seem like I’d been slowly falling in love with him over time without even realizing it? I had no interest in guys apart from my best friend. None of them interested me, and they certainly didn’t interest my dick. But Blaze?
Christ, just picturing him naked had all the blood in my head running south to my cock.
But I couldn’t even begin broaching that territory with him. He was my best friend, and he was straight. And even if he wasn’t, I still needed to work on myself first. Because my issues weren’t his to take on, and I wouldn’t burden him or anyone else with them.
I needed to learn to love myself—the new me—before I could figure out how to love him properly, even as just his best friend.
Chapter 8
Blaze
I wiped sweat from my brow and planted my hands on my hips, trying to catch my breath. It didn’t matter that we’d won our biggest rival game of the season. Our head coach wasn’t going any easier on us. In fact, he was on a roll to make us correct what we’d done wrong until we perfected everything. But goddamn, even if I knew I was only building on the skills I already had here so I might have a chance of being drafted, I was exhausted.
Because despite Jaxon’s promise that he wouldn’t commit suicide and that he’d come to one of us if he was having those thoughts, I couldn’t help but worry. Sleep was hard to come by, and more often than not, I found myself slipping out of my own bed, creeping into his room, and sitting on the floor beside his bed just so I could hear him breathing through the night. I always slipped out before he woke up, but my fear of losing him was visceral.
I couldn’t lose him.
“Your head’s still not in this,” Hunter said, dropping onto the bench beside me. Leaning his head back, he squirted Gatorade into his mouth from his water bottle. “I know it’s scary, but Jaxon wouldn’t lie to us, man.”
I sighed. “I know. But I can’t fucking help it, Hunter. He… I…” My voice trailed off because what the fuck was I going to say? Tell him my feelings about Jaxon? How I wasn’t interested in any other guy, but I was somehow attracted to Jaxon? That didn’t even make sense outside of my head. How could someone be gay for just one person?
“You… what?” Hunter asked, arching a brow at me. “In love with Jaxon?” My eyes widened. Fuck, he really did know. Hunter scoffed. “Samuel and I have noticed it for weeks, bro. Every time you look at Jaxon, you get the same look in your eyes that I get when I look at Samuel.”
I huffed. “But I’m not interested in any other guys. Seems impossible, doesn’t it?”
Hunter rolled his eyes at me. “No, dumbass, it doesn’t. You and Jax have been best friends even longer than we have. Falling for him doesn’t seem impossible when you two are so damn close. In fact, if you ask me, it might’ve even been inevitable.”
I shrugged, dejected. “Doesn’t matter when Jaxon is straight as fuck.”
