And it feelsgood. To be the one on top. To let out all this rage and hatred.
Shouldn’t he be with the other conscripts?
Probably weaseled his way out of it.
I have seen too much of it. Death upon death upon death.
Fight or die, you coward!
I have seen too much suffering, inflicted upon myself as well as others.
This is what you deserve, maggot.
How nice it is to finally be the one to strike. If I hurt him first, then he can’t hurt me. I want to lash out at the world, to tear this man limb from limb. I’m so frightened of this feeling. All I wanted was to walk away. To protect Jyn. If he had only listened—why didn’t he justlisten?
“Sai!” Jyn’s voice cuts through my thoughts with crystalline clarity. “Sai, enough!” She drags me off the dead man, staring at the mess I’ve made in abject horror.
I slowly come back to my senses. My hands shake, my knuckles are swollen and bruised. My fingers are stained crimson, bits of his flesh beneath my nails. I, too, am revolted at what I see.
“What… what just happened?”
Jyn collapses to her knees and reaches out with unsteady hands. She cups my face, a look of bewilderment on her own.
“Is something the matter?” I ask.
She pauses, shakes her head. “It’s nothing.”
I can’t catch my breath. The clawing in my lungs returns. Now that the adrenaline is fading, every inch of my body aches. Dread crawls its way down my spine.
“I… killed him,” I mutter. “I didn’t mean—” I choke on a sob that catches in my throat.
The gravity of my actions bears down on me with a vengeance. I fixate on the sticky warmth of his blood on my hands, splattered across my face. It is the bits of bone stuck to my skin that break me. Tears well in my eyes, my heart twisting within my rib cage. I must look every bit as monstrous as I feel.
“Jyn, what have I… He had a Fated One. His thread… I saw it. Someone out there was waiting for him, and I—”
“Calm down, Sai.”
“But it’s my fault! We could have helped him. Why didn’t I stop?”
Jyn looks deep into my eyes, our faces so close that I can feel her breath whisper against my cheeks. The tip of her nose bumps mine.
“It was a mercy,” she tells me firmly. “Amercy, do you understand? You saw the state he was in.”
“No,” I rasp. “It was murder; I felt his life slip away at my touch.”
“Do you really think his Fated One would want to see him like that?”
“And instead not know what happened to him at all?”
Anguish is etched into her expression. “Believe me,” she murmurs, casting her eyes down. “Sometimes, when it’s clear they are doomed for tragedy, it’s for the best.”
I want to ask her what she means by this. Her every word is colored with unspeakable grief, with an experience I can’t see. What in her past haunts her so? Her melancholy subsides after a moment. Slowly, Jyn wipes my tears away with the pads of her thumbs. Her touch is so gentle that I can’t help but feel soothed.
“It was him or us,” she says firmly. “Don’t let it weigh on your heart, Sai.”
We remain there a while longer, my face cupped in her hands, our foreheads pressed together as we breathe in a matched rhythm. I stop trembling eventually, regaining some semblance of myself. I feel better. Just by a hair.
“Are you hurt?” I ask, breaking the silence. My voice feels far too loud for my own ears.
