“But it’s true!” She shifts her weight from foot to foot. If Alexander didn’t know any better, he’d assume she’s seconds away from making a run for it. “The boy I knew in culinary school was sweet and gentle and loved to crack jokes. But you…” She licks her lips, struggling to find the right words. “You’re intimidating as fuck. You turned into someone that everyone’s afraid of pissing off. That doesn’t just happen.”
He clenches his fists tight, remaining perfectly still. “Are you afraid of me, Eden?”
She chews on the inside of her cheek. “I’m afraid that you won’t be honest with me when it counts. I don’t ask for a lot, but I need honesty. Parsons lied to me about spending my scholarship money. My parents lied to me about coming to pick me up. I don’t think I can handle you lying to me about who you are.” Eden approaches cautiously, daring to reach out to press a hand to his chest. “You can trust me,” she whispers. “I’m literally trusting you with my job, to keep my secret. Why can’t you trust me, too?”
“It’s not about trust. I can’t talk about it.”
“Why not? I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t—”
“I said I can’t! Just fucking leave me alone!”
Eden winces, and he hates himself that much more for it.
He knew he was going to screw up, he just didn’t think this soon.
“Jesus.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”
She casts her eyes to the floor. “I think you should get going.”
“Eden. Fuck, Eden, no. I’m—”
“I’ll see you at work.”
“Eden, wait—”
“When you feel like talking to me, let me know. If not, don’t worry about it. We’ll just pretend that…” She doesn’t finish her sentence. “Please. Just go. We need space or whatever, before we say something we both might regret.”
Not knowing what else to do, Alexander grabs his jacket and leaves.
He drives home in silence. The first thing he does is trudge over to the nearest stash of cigarette cartons he has hidden behind one of the fake plants on his shelf, whipping a cigarette and light out in a flash.
He takes a long drag and welcomes to burn in his lung. He’d been trying so hard to quit.
Fuck, fuck,fuck.
He knows he could tell her. He could reveal the truth. He doubts that Eden will judge him because—bless her soul—she’s an angel and she’d never do such a thing. But it’s not that simple. It’s not that easy because the past, his past... It hurts to even think about it. He’s spent a decade learning to swallow the guilt, to ignore it until it’s a dull sensation in the pit of his stomach. Talking about it, revisiting those old memories...
Paris. His parents. Sebastian. The rain. The last time he saw his father. He just wants to be rid of the pain. Sharing that part of his life with Eden... He’s not willing to do it. He doesn’t want her to see him for what he is.
A little boy too afraid to return home.
A coward.
A fuck up.
Eden wants to kick herself until her shins are purple with bruises. She’s thought about it long and hard since leaving this morning.
She shouldn’t have pushed. She realizes she overstepped, that she shouldn’t have tried to make Alexander talk about his past if he wasn’t ready. What happened to him—whatever it was—must have been traumatic. She was wrong to demand the truth from him, wrong to make him so uncomfortable.
She simply thought that—maybe—they were close enough now. They’d been together for a couple of weeks. How was she supposed to know when it was a good enough time to ask him for the truth?
She talks herself into circles. On one hand, she doesn’t want to stress him out. But doesn’t he care enough to at least try to talk to her? She shouldn’t feel this guilty for wanting to get to know him, to understand him.
Eden decides she’ll apologize to him when she sees him at work. Mainly because she feels bad about leaving things the way she did. Maybe they’ll be able to salvage—whatever it is that they are.
But if not? If not, she’ll have to deal with the mess she’s made. She doesn’t want to imagine how fucking awkward it’s going to be now, how awful and strained and downright embarrassing. What if he hates her now? What if he wants nothing to do with her? Alexander could fire her on the spot, if he wants. But will he?
