She likes the sound of that.
Eden has a hard time getting up the following week. And the week after that. The bed she shares with Shang is the only place she feels safe, second only to the secure hold of his arms around her.
She knows she should get up. Take a shower. Eat. But her mind is in a haze. It’s clouded by a heavy fog that won’t part.
She mentally scolds herself.
Get over it.
But she can’t.
It’s just that reality has finally snapped into place. No more questions about where her parents went, no more wondering about what happened. Theychoseto leave her. Nothing is going to change that, and all those years of wishful thinking were nothing but a waste.
They didn’t want you.
Eden knows this probably isn’t the best way to start off their relationship. She doesn’t want Shang to see her like this. She’s stronger than this. Tougher. Made of steel that learned to forge itself. Everything she has, she worked for. With the exception of Shang, she’s never accepted gifts from anyone. She frowned upon free handouts. She wasn’t someone to be pitied, to be coddled.
So why can’t she find the strength to move? To eat? To do anything other than breathe and exist?
Deep down, she’s scared. Scared that Shang will leave her if she stays like this too long. What if he decides she isn’t worth the trouble? What if he thinks her wallowing is too much? It’d be so easy for him to call things off. What if he decides she’s too much of a burden just like her parents did? It’d be easy for him to walk out the door and never come back. Eden knows she’s a mess. A mess that just isn’t worth it.
Get up. Please get up.
It’s an insidious thing, this voice in the back of her head. It’s loud, borderline deafening. Inescapable. It compounds every doubt she’s ever had, every single one of her insecurities—keeps her trapped in a clusterfuck of noise that only she can hear.
He’s going to leave me.
Just like my parents did.
Because at the end of the day, I’m nothing.
She didn’t expect to be set off this hard. In all honesty, she felt perfectly fine on the flight home. Normal, even, right up until cold reality hit her like a runaway semi. Now she can barely roll over in bed because what does it matter? What doesanyof it matter? Nobody wants her, so she may as well lie here and keep from bothering anyone. If she stays quiet, if she doesn’t move a muscle, she doubts that anyone will even notice she’s gone. Her parents certainly didn’t give a shit enough to care, so why waste her breath?
There’s a soft knock on the bedroom door.
“Sweetheart?”
Shame rips through her chest, shearing her lungs and shredding at her heart. Eden’s been camped out at Shang’s apartment for weeks now, and she feels God-awful about it.
You’re such a fucking burden, Eden.
Why does he bother putting up with you?
The bed dips beneath her, then comes the gentle weight of his hand on her shoulder.
“Do you feel like going for a walk with me today? It’s a nice day to visit the park.”
He speaks so tenderly, it almost makes Eden cry. Hell, shedoescry. She doesn’t have the energy to sob, so it’s up to gravity to make her burning tears fall and soak into his pillow. She wants to respond, but she’s too trapped in her own mind to form sentences. Her body and mind are bogged down, numb to everything around her. She feels suspended in time and space, drowning in place while treading water withjustenough effort to take another breath.
When she doesn’t answer, he tries again. “Rina called. She, Freddie, and Peter wanted to know how you’re doing. They invited us to trivia night at the bar again if you’re feeling up to it.”
“You can go,” she mumbles, barely audible past her cocoon of thick blankets.
There’s a long pause. She’s faced away, so she has no idea what expression he’s wearing.
He’s probably annoyed with me.
I bet he regrets being with me.
