From the unabridged diaries of Vessel Iris, Volume Two
For the sixth hour straight, Iris led the way, weaving their path through a relentless maze of decrepit corridors. Tev and Ishtan followed closely, Tev’s hand never leaving the holstered pistol. Here on the tenth deck, larger vegetation was sparse. The floors were lined with the same thick moss as the main deck, and Iris was grateful his naked feet didn’t have to step on cold metal. But the familiar shrubbery and vines were nearly nonexistent. Still, a few draped across tall doorways, and Iris brushed them aside as the group kept to the projected map inside his mind. They would stop frequently to rest, drinking water squeezed from the moss. There was enough time for rest. Two days to cover sixty kilometres along smooth, flat ground. In his better days, Iris could walk that in a single day.
It was satisfying to move again, to use his legs for most of the day and welcome the blossoming soreness in his calves. Iris easily slipped into a meditative state as soon as they started and peered out of the blissful emptiness of it only when VIFAI flagged a question that was asked directly of him. He could go on like this for days, teetering on the edge of consciousness, watching life happen around him but not really seeing it. It was one of his favourite pastimes.
Iris blinked hard at a jarring ping. Back to the corridor then, back to the trek towards their inevitable demise. “Pardon me?” It was Tev this time who had asked a question, but VIFAI had missed it the first time, having retreated into rest as well.
From here on, Tev is your responsibility, Yan’s warning rang out in Iris’s memory,and if he’s hurt, I’m holding you liable.In the few days they had spent in each other’s company, Iris had yet to see Yan this fearful. He really did care for his students, and the thought of delegating this care had torn at him.
“Why weren’t we allowed to help you when you were wounded, Vessel?” Tev asked.
“Because you’re not supposed to touch Vessels,” Ishtan spoke up from the tail end of the three-man procession. “They take vows, and they take those very seriously.”
“Yeah,” Tev insisted, “butwhy?”
Ishtan didn’t have an answer for him, and they both stared at Iris’s back until their gazes started to singe his shoulders. “There are several reasons why one shouldn’t touch a Vessel,” Iris began. Before he continued, he checked on VIFAI, who was resting comfortably once more, half asleep, and unwound the mala from his wrist. Keeping rhythm with his steps, Iris passed the beads through his fingers.
“First, Vessels tend to come in contact with death more often than your average person. People pass for all sorts ofreasons, and sometimes, those reasons can be contagious. While Vessels are inoculated against most viruses and even poisons, a layperson isn’t. It’s always safer to keep your distance.” Iris paused, noticing the gap that had opened up behind him as Tev and Ishtan fell back a metre. “Then, of course, there are the vows. These are different for everyone, but I have taken the vow of solitude, to direct all my faculties towards my responsibilities as a Vessel.”
“But you’ve touched Riyu, Jesi, Ishtan, and me. Does that mean you’ve broken your vow?” Tev asked, still some distance away.
Iris smiled faintly. He had broken his vows, yes, but not one of them was to blame. “All vows have clauses, so it’s possible to break a vow only partially. The vow of solitude has four exception clauses: urgency, necessity, familiarity, and livelihood. To break the vow, I would need to touch someone in a way that didn’t fall under any of the four. Riyu was in grave danger when I touched her and so that was permitted. The next time I touched her, she had already passed, which means she did not meet the clause of livelihood, so that was permitted.”
“You’re allowed to save people and move dead bodies then,” Ishtan said.
Iris couldn’t help but laugh out loud, vigorously enough that VIFAI jolted awake. “That’s exactly right, Ishtan.”
Discussing your transgressions, are we?
I’ve kept very close to the boundaries, but never overstepped them.
VIFAI sent a rough vibration through Iris’s brain stem and swiftly presented a list of twenty items that, according to its knowledge of Starlit Order scripture, were all the violations Iris had committed since he had arrived on theNicaea. Among the top ones were asking for a cigarette, choosing to explore the ship instead of working, and praying for Yan to hurt himself.
Iris only regretted one of the three.Is that all?he chuckled internally and flicked the list away with a micromovement of his eye. Over the past two decades, he had learned to keep certain thoughts so safely hidden that even VIFAI couldn’t accessthosetransgressions. He was never in the mood to unfurl his longings into the open and discuss them with his companion. Which were healthy attachments? Which were unhealthy? Which were foolish and which were wise? All of them most likely doomed from the start. The one realm where VIFAI still came up short was the exclusively human experience of finding something terrifying and yet alluring, and Iris didn’t have the emotional energy to explain. But all these longings were still transgressions if they impaired his ability to perform his work, and Iris would need to ask for forgiveness for committing them when he returned to his temple—ifhe returned.
“It seems kind of lonely,” Tev muttered. “The whole solitude bit.”
It could be. Itwasfor a long while, but at some point, Iris had realised that of all the vows, the vows of silence, the vows of perfect service, the vows of utter asceticism, he could have taken, he had chosen this one because the intimate company and the touch of others were the easiest for him to surrender. He would always fondly recall the fumblings of his youth, the feeble attempts to connect, to satisfy a craving running deeper than simple corporeal pleasures. They never lasted. No matter how dizzyingly wonderful in the moment, those encounters always left him feeling more alone, more detached from everyone else. Like introductory sutras, most of his fleeting companions were easily learned in just a night. Iris never saw the same person twice. The greatest relief always came when, satisfied and giddy, they left him with the rising suns. Even then, he couldn’t articulate what it is he wanted, but it wasn’tthis.
Iris had always, in some way, been a solitary creature. The vows provided a convenient label for his habit. “It’s possible, Tev, to be solitary and not lonely. Loneliness is experienced when we wish to connect with others and are unable to. We can easily feel lonely in a crowd of people. Solitude simply means being away from others. All within reason, of course.”
“And you don’t miss it at all?” Ishtan asked, walking beside Tev. Between the two of them, Ishtan seemed far less concerned with the possible diseases and poisons Iris could carry on him. “You’re not too young, so you must have been in solitude for quite a while.”
“A decade, give or take,” Iris said. Starlit was very conscious of such serious vows, and he had not been allowed to take it before his twentieth birthday. “It has certainly created opportunities to divert my faculties towards my vocation. There are so many other ways to connect with others, Ishtan, I hardly notice what I’m missing.”
That was a lie. It was a lie he had recited thousands of times to other Vessels, to Mother Nova, and to himself. It was a lie so profound that at times even VIFAI believed it. Iris embodied it, wore it like he did his robes every day. And just like his robes, immaculately, now stained with blood and dirt, so was the veneer of the lie cracking, revealing the profound chasm within. “It is my way of life. It’s how I am able to serve others.”
“It’s very noble,” Ishtan said.
A blinding panic froze Iris in his place and spun him around. Simultaneously, Ishtan screamed. Two gunshots rang out, deafening Iris.
He slammed his palms against his ears and cried out in pain. The last he saw of Tev was a flash of his boot sole as he was dragged into the dark.
“Get behind me,” Iris shouted at Ishtan, who now held Tev’s gun, barrel smoking. Iris’s voice barely registered over the ringing in his ears.Map, he frantically grasped out with his mind at VIFAI, and it obeyed without hesitation, projecting the map and zooming into the quadrant where they were. Thankfully, there were only a few open doors that Tev could have disappeared through. Iris followed quickly, running across the dew-covered moss right into the oppressive darkness, ears still ringing. He pressed his palm flat against the wall for balance. Below, the slow and rhythmic pulse of the ship rose, familiar to him now like the beating of his own heart.Do you feel that?
VIFAI pinged an affirmative.
Every time something happens, there’s the pulse.Iris traced the wall as he moved. The pulse rose beneath his fingertips.The pulse is our watcher’s footsteps in the dark.The faint burning in his brain stem also returned as he ventured deeper down the corridor. Iris quickened his steps, turned left, then right, turned at each bend of the corridor, navigating by feel alone. The corridors here were narrow, and he could easily touch each side with either one of his arms.
