“But one of these days, you are going to have to choose. I think it’s the only way, really. It’s either going to be me or her. And just a reminder, I’m alive.”
She wasn’t wrong. Ultimately, I would have to make that choice.
But not tonight.
FORTY-FIVE
ANNA
There were times she thought that her brain didn’t belong to her. There were times she thought her heart didn’t belong to her, either.
Three Months Later
Officially,I was thirty-eight weeks pregnant and I was huge.
There was no other word for it. My ankles were swollen. My boobs were the size of droopy water balloons. And my belly…it needed its own zip code.
“Can I ask? Are you not attracted to me anymore?” I asked E.G., who was sitting on the couch with me, my feet in his lap as he absently rubbed them while he read some article on his iPad.
It was late, after a long day of shopping for baby stuff. I should be exhausted, but my brain just wouldn’t stop spinning.
“Of course, I’m attracted to you,” he said, without looking up from the article.
“But I’mhuuuuuugggggeeee.”
“Being pregnant doesn’t change who you are, Flowers. Stop fishing for compliments.”
“I’m not fishing.”
I was fishing a little. I was just feeling all thesethings,all the time.
Hormones, am I right?
“You don’t have sex with me anymore,” I noted.
That had him lifting his head and looking over at me.
“You’re not comfortable anymore during sex. Remember the last time we tried? You told me to back the fuck up. I think we can put a pin in our sex life until after the baby comes.”
He wasn’t wrong. I’d been the one to call it on the sex. Being horny faded and total discomfort twenty-four hours a day took its place.
The baby was due in two weeks, and, I’m not going to lie, it was starting to freak me out a bit.
“What if I get eclampsia and die?” I asked him, poking him in the thigh with the foot he wasn’t rubbing. “Are you going to shut down again? What happens to the baby then? Would you give it up for adoption?”
“Stop asking ridiculous questions,” he said with a scowl. “Your blood pressure is good, your ankles are only mildly swollen. You’re young and in excellent shape. The OB/GYN has said so on each visit. You’re going to be fine, Flowers.”
“What if I suck at being a mom? You know, because I didn’t have one.”
“You’ll have my mom. You won’t be able to shake her loose.”
In the end, he’d decided against the Florida move for now, declaring he didn’t want to have to find me a new doctor. His parents were scheduled to come here for an extended stay after the baby was born.
I was going to need the help short term, definitely. But what about long term? I’d heard about maternal instincts, but maybeI was missing them. Like some genetic disorder passed down from my mother, who obviously didn’t have any because she gave me away.
“What’s this all about?” E.G. asked. “You’ve been quiet all day, and now, suddenly it’s twenty questions.”
I lifted a single shoulder. We’d gone to pick up the crib today. E.G. had it custom made. It was a beautiful piece of furniture that was now sitting in a beautiful nursery in the room across from ours.
