A muscle in his jaw ticked, but other than that, he didn’t say anything for a minute. Then he stepped further into the office and picked up the card. Looking at it, but not seeing it, I didn’t think.
“Is this what you want?” he asked me.
“This is whatyouwant. I’m just doing it on my terms.”
When he looked at me, the pain I saw in his eyes was crushing. I wanted to fall on my knees and crawl to him. Beg him to…
What?
What did I want from E.G., really?
For him to get over his late wife?
For him to love me instead?
Who was I to beg him for that?
I was Anna Flowers. My own parents didn’t fucking want me and I thought I could have him?
Yes. Apparently, I did. How ridiculous was that?
“I’ll call him,” he finally said.
I nodded. “It’s a good opportunity.”
“Flowers, you know I…I never wanted…”
“Stop,” I told him.
I couldn’t handle an apology, or regret. I couldn’t handle the overwhelming sadness. Suddenly, I was agitated. Jumpy. Like my skin didn’t fit anymore. I took off my blazer. Undid the top three buttons of my shirt so I could breathe.
It didn’t help.
Then E.G. was there. Like he knew. Like he understood exactly what I needed. He picked me up and sat me on the desk. His body was between my legs. He undid the rest of the buttons and tugged at the shirt until it was down around my arms.
He kissed me.
He’d never kissed me. Not once. Not when we made love. Not the morning after. Never.
I’d only now just realized that.
Only now his mouth was on mine and his tongue was inside me.
Yes, this was what I needed! The scratch of his afternoon beard on my cheek. The slick heat of his mouth.
At some point he’d removed my bra, because his hands were cupping my naked breasts. And he wouldn’t stop kissing me. He kept kissing me and kissing me and he wouldn’t let me breathe. But that was okay because I didn’t want air. I only wanted him.
I reached up to cup his face. Were his cheeks damp?
Then his fingers were at the fastening of my pants. I heard the zipper, and then he was lifting me, pushing his hands into my pants, shoving them down until they fell to my ankles. Hepressed his hand between my breasts, forced me to lay back on the desk, my legs still sprawled on either side of his hips.
“Anna?” he gasped. “Yes?”
“Yes.” A thousand times, yes.
I heard the sound of another zipper. His.
And then he was there inside me. Hard. Deep. Endless. I made a noise, a whimper maybe. A plea for more. He adjusted his hips and slammed back inside of me so hard, I came right then.
