“No, it’s still too cold today,” I reply, afraid to look over at him and see his perfect abs again.
He sticks his foot in the water. “It’s not thaaaat bad.”
I sneak a peek at him right as a mischievous smile fills his face.
“Don’t you dare,” I warn, stepping back from him.
He steps towards me, feigning innocence “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
My feet start moving as the sound of his laughter follows me.
He’s faster than me so it doesn’t take long for him to scoop me up into his arms.
“Noaaahhhh,” I squeal as he moves us deeper into the water.
I try to squirm out of his grasp, but my giggles give me away.
He shouts, “Hold your breath!”
Then he sends us both falling into thefreezing cold water.
As the memories fade away I focus my attention on the stove, and share about Paul. “Sorry, I was lost in memories there for a second … He was my first real relationship. It wasn’t a good one, but it taught me things about myself. Maybe I needed that,” I try to convince myself as I stir veggies in the pan. “You’ve always felt like home to me, like you’re part of me. I don’t know if I would’ve pushed myself to be the best version of myself if we’d …” I shake my head, letting out a sharp laugh. “Who am I kidding? I’m not even close to the best version of myself, but what else do I have going for me?”
“Audrey,” Noah sighs softly.
It feels weird hearing him use my full name, and it makes me nervous to look at him.
Instead, I fixate on the pan in front of me, no longer feeling hungry. “I just mean, I didn’t do what I wanted seven years ago and then it’s like I stopped caring about my dreams altogether. I didn’t go to the school I wanted to, didn’t lose my virginity to the guy I wanted to, and I didn’t take the job I wanted. And now I've spent so much time dancing around what other people want that I don't know who I am, or whatIwant. I don't even know if I like math or living in Chicago anymore.”
A silence lulls between us while I serve up the food.
He gives me a sad smile, taking a plate from my hand. “Would you ever consider moving home to be closer to your parents? Or here, to be closer to Connor?”
And closer to you?
“Ye-yeah, they’re both options. I just need to find something that makes me happy, I guess. I’ve spent a long time being unhappy. I didn’t fully realize it until I moved into the apartment. I expected it to feel empty and lonely, or that I’d miss sleeping beside someone … but it was like nothing changed, nothing felt different. If anything, I’ve felt more whole than I have since I was seventeen.” I reach into the fridge, grabbing a beer for each of us, feeling like some liquid confidence would benefit me. “It felt like I was with a ghost all this time … my heart didn’t shatter, not like it did when yo–”
“When what?” Noah’s voice lowers, and goosebumps rise on my arms.
I close my eyes, whispering, “When you left.”
Noah lets out a low sigh, placing his plate back on the counter. “Sixteen hours and twenty four minutes from my dorm to your parents’ house. It was one thousand, one hundred and twenty three miles.”
My eyes snap open, shock written across my face.
“I missed you more than anything, Auddie. It was my biggest regret … and if I could go back and choose you over Texas—over baseball—I’d do it in a heartbeat.”
I grab his arm. “Don’t say that. I never would’ve let you give up on baseball, No. It’s your passion.”
“Maybe, but so are you.”
“Don’t flatter me.”
“I’m not trying to … I’m telling the truth. I spent way too many years not being honest with you or with myself, so I owe it to both of us to be honest. You were my entire life, Auddie. Even after I left.” Noah passes me his phone and I stare down at the screen. A playlist namedAuddiestares back at me. I scroll through, and it’s like every stage of our life plays out in my mind. As I scroll further down the list a shift happens, songs change from upbeat pop to sad and heartbroken country.
I look up at him and he shoves his hands into his pockets. “My first week in Texas, I almost called you a million times. By Friday I was lying in bed watching every movie I could find that reminded me of you, to feel close to you. My roommate Walker thought I was insane when he walked in on me watchingTheParent Trapand eating Oreos dipped in peanut butter.”
I let out a loud laugh. “Frig, I forgot about that combination.”
