Why am I more sad that Noah isn’t here, than I am about Paul being a lying cheater?
When we get to the house it no longer feels like a quaint home full of love. Instead, I fixate on the chipping paint and the shingles that need replacing. The flower beds are full of weeds and the front step creaks. It suddenly feels like a home I have no attachment to. Almost like overnight, ivy grew around the cracks and rotted it out.
Ruining it, the way Paul ruined our relationship.
“Let’s do this.” Selena gives my hand a reassuring squeeze as she and Connor pull me towards the front door.
The front hallway is a boring beige color Paul picked out when we moved in. I never liked it to begin with, but now it feels even uglier.
“I’ll work on your closet. Connor, you grab family heirlooms and shit. Auds … you do whatever you need right now, okay? But if you feel like setting his clothes on fire is what you want, then I’m all for it.”
I don’t respond, but crack a small smile. Opening the front closet, I pull out all of my coats and shoes, figuring this is a safe starting point.
Connor rented a U-haul and brought enough boxes to pack up fifteen houses. I assemble a few boxes and arrange items by season, trying to block out the memories that this house used to hold for me.
Where will I go?
The thought hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel my legs give out. I grab the Royals baseball cap Connor bought me when he was drafted and hold it against my chest.
Maybe I can move to Missouri and get a fresh start? Yeah … well, if I’d gone with Connor from the start, I never would’ve ended up in this mess.
And if I’d gone to Texas …
Don’t go there right now.
“Fuck, sis,” Connor’s voice breaks through my sadness. “C’mon let’s get you on the couch.” He lifts me up without hesitation. “WillA Walk to Remembercheer you up?”
I can’t find the words to answer him, but once he pulls me over to the couch, he sets the movie up for me anyways before disappearing upstairs again. Selena and my brother move around the house and I occasionally get a flicker of movement out of the corner of my eye as they pass through the hallway.
As I stare numbly at the TV, all I can think about is whether it belongs to me or Paul.
I did buy it, didn’t I?
Even Shane West isn’t enough to distract me from the framed picture of me and Paul that keeps staring at me. I squint, taking in our body language, neither of us are leaning into the other and my smile doesn’t reach my eyes. I move around the living room, assessing each photo, watching as my smile gets smaller over the years and the distance between us grows.
It’s funny to me, realizing we grew apart long before I thought we did. My sadness suddenly feels non-existent as a flood of bad memories with Paul passes through my head.
“Ew. That dress makes you look fat,” Paul snorts out from behind me.
“Could you have said that a bit nicer?” I frown, unzipping the sapphire-colored dress my mom bought me. I love this dress.
He gives me a pointed look. “Would you rather me lie to you and have everyone make fun of you all day? Then have you look back in three years from now and hate how you look?”
Ouch.
“No, I guess not … ” I reply quietly.
“Relax, Audrey. It’s just important that you look good in the photos. It’s my graduation after all.”
It’sourgraduation.
“I’m trying to study, dammit. Could you go cry somewhere else?”
My lip trembles as I wipe my tears. “My mom just called me. My grandpa died.”
He barely looks up from his textbook. “Old people die Audrey, it’s a part of life. Get over it.”
“Paul. My grandpa died!” I exclaim more firmly.
