For one impossible second, I think he’s going to say something,anything.
I’m sorry.
I don’t know how to do this.
Please don’t look at me like that.
Instead, he walks back to me. He leans down and presses a kiss to my forehead. It's soft, lingering, and that action that once felt so beautiful feels almost cruel now.
I close my eyes as they burn. I want to pull away; I want to scream... but I also don't want to break this bubble.
I keep my eyes closed because if I open them, I will break.
“I’ll be busy,” he says quietly. “It may be hard to stay in touch. Rowan will check in. If you need anything, go through Claire.”
A tear slips free before I can stop it.
I don’t wipe it away.
I don’t nod.
I don’t move.
I feel him there for what feels like eternity, so close I could reach for him, and then I feel the shift in the air, I hear his steps, and the door closes.
I choke back a sob, because that moment felt like a goodbye... And not just for the trip.
Julian has been gone for a week when Claire lets me know the trip has been extended.
Likely another week, she says. She’ll update me when she knows more. Julian is hoping to wrap everything up cleanly.
She asks about my schedule, and that Julian would like her to plan a trip for us when he gets back home.
I almost respond with whatever works, but then I remember how he planned Paris. What our lives looked like for six months. And where we are now. He ignores me and has his EA speak with his wife on his behalf. Having Claire find out my schedule, because he has no clue.
Another message comes in, almost like Claire could tell I was standing on a ledge.
Claire: This is very important to Julian.
I stare at the message for a long time before responding.
Is she kidding? This is important to him... so important that he couldn't be bothered to ask me himself.
Anger quickly replaces the hurt. Because this... this is not what I agreed to.
This life of intermediaries and deflection and being informed instead of asked.
So, I answer calmly. Precisely, exactly like a Contract Wife would....
Me:My schedule is full for the foreseeable future. I know Mr. North’s is as well. Please let him know there’s no need to plan time off. And kindly send me a list of any public appearances I’m required to attend over the next few months so I can manage my calendar in advance, per our agreement.
The wordagreementtastes bitter, but if he can use it, so can I.
Claire calls almost immediately.
“Lucy,” she says carefully. “I think you should reconsider. Julian really wants this vacation with you.”
I let out a breath that feels more like a laugh without humour. “Well, I really want a lot of things too. But if life has taught me anything is that you can't always get what you want.”
