By the time the internet opened the world to me, my mind had already been buried under layers of internalised homophobia.Phrases like 'this is not right’ or ‘I should not ogle men' were transcribed in my psyche like the etchings on the stone monuments of ancient India.So when the new English professor walked into the lecture hall and flirted with me, alarm bells went off in my head.The yearning returned with a cyclonic force.
“I had to tell Shalini before I did something stupid.You know I would never cheat on her.”I gaze at the Colonel’s bust.For confirmation?Validation?A simple, ‘you did right.’
The conversation two years ago shattered whatever connection we had, amid a tsunami of tears and words.“I still struggle with queer labels.Gay or bisexual?”
Despite the solitude, the words are whispered.I'm not yet there to admit my sexuality out loud.Saying those words in the open is like learning to breathe again after years of being muffled.
I take the peanuts from my pocket and place them at the edge of the bench, hoping my squirrel friend will gift me with an appearance.With their immense patience, Sir Wilfred and Gillu help me practice being myself.They don't judge me for coming out so late in life or berate me for my inability to navigate this world.They have never made me feel like the lowest scum on earth for ruining lives.They listen and let me be.
A rustle followed by chirping beats tells me my little friend is here.While it noses around the peanuts, I smile and say to her, “Gillu, why is living as my true self so difficult?Why should anyone be bothered about whether I love a man or a woman?”
“Ahem.”
The hoarse, guttural sound makes my eyes pop.Gillu scurries away.I study Col.Wilfred for clues with a fist on my chest, trying to calm the rocketing heartbeats.Is this statue haunted?Uh-oh.Have I been speaking to a ghost all these weeks?The British officer carved in stone is stoic as ever — no blinking or quirks of the lip, only a crooked nose pointing to the high road.
The throat clears again.This time, my ears pick up the right direction.I turn and stumble at the sight of a young man in a sweat-drenched grey t-shirt and blue shorts.Since when has he been eavesdropping?Oh God!Did I come out to him?Without another glimpse at the man, I scamper out of the small park.
“Your secret is safe with me.”
The words catch up, piercing through the valley’s silence, scattering the birds and the panic in my heart.
Chapter 4
Look who walked in.
JIMMY
“Bhai,what's the matter?There’s no power in your legs today.”Sahil helps me place the bar on the squat rack.I am accustomed to how he addresses me, but the affection still causes a pang in my chest.He is more than any blood brother I’ve ever had.They are all venom-spewing snakes.
“I should take a few days off.My body may need some recovery.”The sweat beads trickle down my white tank top.
Despite lifting well under my personal best, my muscles are sore.The mind-muscle connection is missing.I am busy shuffling images of the cute man in the black and yellow tracksuit I met in the park.
“Are you okay?”Sahil taps my shoulder.“You zone out every few minutes.”
“Yeah, I am fine.A bit tired from running every day this week.”
