“No!I don't want to hear anything.”Jimmy holds his hand up, stopping me in my tracks.He turns to Kenny.“Why did you bring me here?Take me to my place.”
I grab Jimmy's arm.“Please, hear me out.Give me a chance.”My pleas fall on deaf ears.He shrugs himself away and slams the door to the car.Kenny and Sahil get in and drive away.
I turn with dread to find gloom around me.Even the forests are mourning.Sudhanshu is busy swiping on Jimmy's phone, his lips tight in a frown.Brian shakes his head before he turns and walks inside.
Kiron has their arms clutching their chest.They utter only one word: “Why?”
The single word lands a solid punch to my gut.But despite knowing this day would arrive, the hurt and disdain on the guys’ faces twist the knife deeper.I did not accept the bomb going off in my face, catching me unawares — at least not before January, when I planned to reveal the truth, first to Jimmy and later to the rest of the group.
“Please forgive me.This is not what you think.Give me a chance.”I reach out to Kiron, but they step back.
“How do we know what you want to tell us will not be another lie?”The sharpness of Sudhanshu's distrust cuts through my heart more than the question.
I collapse to the ground, the gravel digging into my knees.Where do I begin?
“The signs were present early on.A sweating BruceWillis in a bloodied white vest in Die Hard had me watching the movie on repeat.The time I spent staring at the rippling muscles of competitors in the men's gymnastics routine at the 1996 Olympics.I had no reference points to recognise them.I lived in ignorant bliss.In high school, I found out how society viewed my attraction to other boys.The reality came up in a casual conversation with a classmate.I admired one of my seniors walking past us.Roshan gave me weird looks.
‘Are you gay?’He asked.In my naivety, I said yes.He looked at me in disgust before mocking me.Confused, I asked, ‘what is gay?’I only knew the literal meaning of the word gay.He told other classmates, and I became the butt of jokes.I went home and searched.The horror unleashed by my class made me shiver and bury all those emotions.Unaware and naïve, I built a closet around myself and locked the doors from the inside.I worked to demonstrate every social stereotype of not being gay.”I finger-quote the last three words.
“Dated a girl.Kissed her in public.Even got into a few fights with the other boys to make myself acceptable again.”I rub the cut above my right eyebrow.“Created a sham around me.Throughout those years, I devoted my entire energy to avoiding those attractions.Watching my back every time I second-glanced at a man or showed any fondness when I found someone attractive for fear of being labelled —or beaten up.”I pause and close my eyes for a bit.The pain in my heart is pounding against its fragile walls.
“Until the exhaustion became too much, and I needed to find a way out.I had run out of time and excuses.How do I undo ten years of marriage?How do I unravel the knots I had tightened for the past twenty years?Shalini only wanted one thing in the divorce – another two years of my silence.She needed me to keep pretending to find her self-respect and life back.After what our fake marriage had dumped on her, I did not dare to say no.”
I wipe the free-falling tears.“The book deal gives me the financial freedom to redo my life.Start a new one at a new place with new friends.”And a family one day, but my foolishness has jeopardised everything.“Priya and I were already discussing how to deal with my problem before I met Jimmy.I did not intend to involve him, but the publication dates moved up.In my desperation, I mentioned Jimmy to Priya.If nothing worked out, we could approach him.I hoped the opportunity would jump-start his career and help me keep my promise to Shalini.”
“Does Priya know you are involved with Jimmy?”Sudhanshu asks.
“Yes,” I whisper my response.
A bag drops on the path.Brian clears his throat to gather our attention.“Guess you need to sort this whole mess.”He picks up the bags and walks to his Jeep.He puts them on the rear seat and turns to me.“I don't see how Jimmy will ever forgive you, but until he does, don't get in touch with Kenny or me.”Brian nods to Kiron and Sudhanshu and drives away.
They both look at me and walk inside before I can open my mouth.I sit on my haunches, alone in my pain.My punishment has only begun.Everyone leaves.
A house filled with chatter, banter, and laughter only an hour ago now sits silent and morose.My shaking fingers hover over Jatin's number.What will I say to him?Jatin has been hounding me since the Delhi Pride to reveal the truth.I am not in the mood to listen to his sighs of ‘I told you so.’
I haven't stopped sobbing since Kiron and Sudhanshu left.One sniffle over the phone, and Jatin will be standing at my door.I can't face him.Another relationship failure is stamped on my forehead.
Frustrated with myself, I want to lash out at someone.A particular person comes to mind.The moment she answers the phone; I plough into her.“Priya, why did you do this to me?Why did you have to destroy my life?”
“Aditya, what happened?Why are you upset?”Priya's surprised voice crackles over the speaker.
“Jimmy found out.”A sob escapes despite my best efforts to hold my voice.“He hates me.Jimmy hates me, and all my friends here are gone because of your email.”
“What email?”
“The email you sent this morning.”My voice breaks between sniffles.
“Aditya, one minute, let me find a private place.”A door slams shut before Priya comes on the line again.“Something is wrong.Why would I do such a thing?”
“But the emails were from your ID.All the conversations we have had.Even copies of our publishing agreement.”
She stays silent.
“Priya, are you there?”
“Aditya, I did not send those emails.”
“Who else had access to your desktop?What about someone from your office?”This is so confusing.What game is she playing?
