“ADDY!”I add to our symphony.Still joined together at the hips, I flip us so I am now on my back, squeezing Aditya in a tight embrace.The post-orgasm cuddle with his head on my chest helps us float back.We make love with our bodies moving in sync in a slow dance choreographed to the rhythm of two beating hearts.
Chapter 18
Promises and dreams
ADITYA
Should...Should not... The tug of war continues during my walk to Rainbow Bakes in the main bazaar.We are all meeting at Brian and Kenny's bakery and cafe to watch Jimmy on the talk show.
The market is humming with activity and is as vibrant as ever, with the entire colour palette painted on the walls of the houses above.Contrasting shades of yellows, greens, and reds on the wooden balconies and windows are an artist’s delight.The aroma of garam masala and turmeric from the grocery stores dances to mix with the smells of tea and other goods.The bustle of activity from shoppers and the calls of the hawkers peddling their wares do nothing, however, to divert my brooding mind.
Thanks to the exams at the school, the first half of the day swept past without a bother.But once the bell rang through the corridors, my nerves began to jangle.Today is the first step in a perilous journey.If only I were brave enough to break my promise to Shalini and embrace my sexuality, as strong and proud as Jimmy?
Even at thirty-seven, I am neither of those, always taking the easy road and hiding behind a cloak of lies.At twelve years of age, the realisation of something odd started.But whom would I ask?Discussion about sex or intimacy was taboo — an act you did only after marriage.Who would talk to me about gay relationships?My attraction to a few boys in my circle fizzled out under the blanket of labelling them as friends, which proved a more comfortable option than solving the knots of sexual arousal.The equations were complicated further when the bullying of non-conforming boys started in middle school.Boys who were femme, fumbled at sports, or were interested in arts and theatre were prime targets.
Hence, sexual fantasies and gratification were confined to the models and actors on magazine covers or the He-Man cartoons behind locked doors.The outside world recognised me only as the shy, obedient prude boy.
Then, my father died, and the world collapsed on me.I did not dare burden Ma with the complexities of my sexual awakening, so I built a smokescreen.I lived in denial and took to praying.Considering such thoughts as sinful, I made every effort to conform to the straightness of the world.
The most harmful lies are the ones you tell yourself.One lie leads to another, and one fine day, you find you are living inside a straw hut of lies.The same dynamics were now repeating with Jimmy.After spending every night of the past week in his arms, the guilt pangs have become conscience-wrenching cramps.So, to lighten the heavy stone in my chest, I call Jatin on the way.
“Hey, Addy bhai.What's up?”
No words come out.We had spoken two days ago, and I had poured out my fears to Jatin.He gave me firm instructions on what I should do, but I chickened out and did nothing.
“Addy, you did not talk to Jimmy, did you?”Jatin catches on to my unspoken guilt.
“He is so happy.How can I douse the spark in his eyes?”My voice is scratchy with anxiety and emotions clawing inside.Every sunrise, I would work up the courage to tell Jimmy the truth, but the happy tunes from his mouth when he returned from his morning run sealed my lips.For once, Jimmy’s life had taken a favourable turn.
Jatin sighs.“Addy, the truth will come out one day.What will happen then?”
“I — Jatin, I love Jimmy and need time for him to find his way to the place where I am standing.”
“Addy, love can't be built on lies.And Jimmy hates liars.”
“I know,” I whisper into the phone.Oh God, I hope Jimmy loves me the same way, and our bond can withstand the tsunami when the reality is revealed.No matter how often my heart prays these words, my rationalisation does not convince even my brain.Jimmy is away for only two days, and my day sucks.What will happen when the truth is revealed?
