His words irritate me.“What love?What you take for granted as straight people are luxuries for the LGBTQ community.Law enforcement still hovers over our bedrooms almost two decades into the twenty-first century.For cishet people in heterosexual relationships, these rights are a given.For the queer community, even the most basic human rights must be fought for.”
I sigh.“Throughout history, one's ‘humanness’ has been held captive to their colour, gender, sexuality, the price tag of their clothes, or the amount of land they own.Should anyone have the power to give or, worse still, take away anyone's basic rights to freedom, happiness, and the right to live?”The words are not hollow.Whenever I imagine a relationship with a man, my mind goes into a whirlpool.Will there ever be acceptance?
My rant meets silence at the other end of the phone.“Sorry for going off on a tangent and dumping on you.Do you realise Jimmy will want more at some stage, and I won’t be enough for him?I can’t love again and fail again.I am not strong enough.”
Jatin’s deep inhale crackles over the earpiece.“Why do you think Jimmy will need more?You can be enough for him.You have so much to give.You are the most unassuming and caring person I have ever met.And yes, as a straight person, I cannot fathom the issues around the LGBTQ community, but I know you.I want the best for you.”
“Jatin.I...”My eyes begin to sting.“I feel like Trishanku.”The mythical king stuck between two worlds.“I have lost my mooring.An outsider to the queer way of living and ostracised and discarded by the heteronormative collective.”I shut my eyes and fill my lungs.“What if I do something stupid?”
Like the meandering road around my house, my emotions have been in a dizzy spiral.Jimmy is not the first man to show interest in me.His eyes linger.But for some reason, when he smiles, my heart lights up.His flirting stirs the butterflies in my stomach.But the embers lingering from the last relationship I set afire keep me rooted.Do I want this?Disappointment and resentment are the two mean sneering sidekicks of a traumatic relationship.“I am clueless walking down this slope.”
“But you do want to travel on this road?”Jatin’s voice is a whisper.
“Hmm.Mhm.This may be my only chance,” I mumble back.
After the divorce, on the rare occasion in Delhi when I found the courage to step into an LGBT night at a bar, I had to weather an hour of ‘Jatin the psycho’s session.’He would storm my house, bug me with his safe sex talk, and make me do a ramp walk, testing my meagre wardrobe.
At the bar, I would spend an hour sipping a beer and watching the gays from a corner seat, never having the courage to do more than gab, which would stop the moment someone laid a hand on my thigh or hand.I would stutter and splutter my way to hide in the restroom and scoot out of the bar once the coast cleared.
I keep repeating, ‘Not a date,’ but my heart is giddy imagining scenarios.I spent an hour grooming my face and scrubbing myself in the shower.I wore my favourite blue tracksuit and smeared myself in my favourite musk cologne.Fussed over my hair till they complied.Later, I might have spent an inordinate amount of time twisting and turning in front of the mirror to ensure all the angles and curves were right.Yeah, I know.Worse than a teenager.
“I am proud of you for being bold and ready to make a new life.You should no longer have to hide your real self.It is high time you soared in the sky.”Jatin breaks my zoning out.
The musical doorbell chimes to announce Jimmy's arrival.“Hey, he is here.Wish me luck.”
“Have fun.Get to know the guy.Remember what Jatin papa taught you about condoms if you two get frisky.I will wait for the scoop in the evening.”He rattles off before hanging up.I scramble down the stairs from my first-floor bedroom.
Before I open the door, I stop in front of the mirror on the side.All set.Here goes.
“Hi, you are right on time.”The dimples, accentuated by Jimmy's wide grin, light up my morning brighter than the sun.
“Hi to you, too.”Jimmy's eyes are not subtle as he gives me a once-over.His grin widens.Would taking him inside and doing the exact opposite of what Jatin instructed be improper first-date etiquette?Not a date.Not a first date.I remind myself.
Jimmy clears his throat, “Ready?”
“Lead on.You are my guide today.”I lock my door and join him as we walk up the slight incline of the pathway leading from my house to the road.A whiff of breeze carries notes of cinnamon and musk, adding to the freshness from overnight dew on the grass and leaves.“What's the plan?”
“We will take a less-used trail around the Kasar Devi temple complex with a great view of the valley at the highest point, and, if the sky is clear, we can watch the sun paint the Himalayas in gold.Later, we will visit the temple, and on the way back, we can have breakfast at Dhamji Tea Stall on Bageshwar Road.”
“Oh, wow!Am I getting VIP treatment, or is this your typical tour itinerary?”I tease Jimmy.
He shoves his elbow into my waist.My heart flies when he winks and walks ahead at a brisk pace.
For a brief second, old habits grab me tight.What are you doing, flirting with a man?What will people say?You should not do this.But Jatin’s words echo in my mind.‘You deserve love.’Somewhere, somehow, the chains binding me loosen.With long strides, I race past him.“Speed up, slowcoach.”
His laughter echoes in the early morning stillness of the forest as he runs after me.Date.This is a definite date.My mind hops, skips, and jumps at this first milestone with a man.Can I convince Jimmy to be my first for so many things I want to do; stuff I want to explore?
The twelve-year-old inside me yearned for those experiences, but I covered my longings in drapes of social constraints.But now, those emotions flutter, ready to take this test flight after having been denied for so long.For once, I want to let the real me out into the world.
While I am lost in my head, Jimmy overtakes me.I try to keep pace, enjoying the view without fear or remorse, perving at his swinging, toned butt.Here, with only trees and mountains around us, there is no need for subtle, fleeting glances at an attractive man.
“Are you comfortable with this pace?The trail is long with some steep climbs,” He checks with me.
“You bet.I am not so out of shape.”I smile and catch up to him, so we are walking side by side.In sync at a trot, moving deeper into the canopy of pines, deodars, and shrubs, trudging through the dirt trail.I would enjoy the gentle rustling of leaves on my own, but with Jimmy, the silence becomes awkward.“Do you belong to Almora?”
“Nah, I am a Jat thoroughbred, sir.”
I glare at him.Jimmy raises his palms, “Sorry.Addy.”
