There had to be grace in death. What else was there? When there was no hope left, when you faced the end. There could only be grace. Danny had died so quickly, so brutally, he’d had no control. But Alex could die with dignity.
He wouldn’t fight Ellis. What would be the point? He couldn’t win. Besides, what would life be like without love, without friends? All he’d have were the memories, the ghosts, and he didn’t want to live with them.
But there was still something within his control. He could chooseto be true to himself, right up until the end. That was all he had left to him. That was his grace.
Ellis’s hands worked fast and efficiently. He kept glancing up at Alex, studying his face.
“You know what I’m doing?” Ellis said as he tied the last knot.
Alex nodded.
Ellis stood up, stepping back to admire his handiwork. He seemed bothered by Alex’s lack of interest.
“You do understand that you’re about to die?”
Again, Alex nodded calmly. He gazed out across the desert. It was changing. They had been so wrapped up in the day, he hadn’t noticed the passing of time. The air was cooling, there were colors in the sand and in the sky. Colors that hadn’t been there before. If you stopped to look, it was as though time was unfolding in front of you. It was stark, but beautiful. A good place to die.
Ellis walked over to the tractor and sat on the upended chassis, the front wheel within easy reach. He wriggled a little, settling himself, legs astride, like a cowboy riding a metal steed. His fingers reached out and rested poignantly on the wheel. He set his phone carefully against the metal, propped so the countdown numbers were visible, ticking away the final hour.
“I don’t get you, Alex. All I need to do is turn this wheel and your life is over.Your life.Everything gone. Don’t you give a fuck?”
Alex shrugged. He didn’t have to make conversation.
“Fine.” Ellis seemed irritated by the lack of response. He grabbed the wheel, jerking it around hard. The rope tightened on the cord, pulling Alex’s hands up and dragging him a few feet closer to the line.
Abruptly, Ellis stopped. The rope stopped moving.
A cat toying with a mouse before eating it. Alex shuffled himselfback into a sitting position and turned back to the desert. He wouldn’t show fear. He wouldn’t give Ellis the satisfaction of breaking him.
After all, this couldn’t go on much longer. Everyone was gone now. It was just the two of them. This was the final countdown, and Ellis would be free to leave as soon as Alex was in the back of the red truck. There was no reason to stretch this out, other than for the sadistic pleasure of taunting Alex with imminent death, and if he didn’t respond, it would get boring quickly. How long would a cat keep playing if the mouse just lay still?
Ellis jumped off the tractor and started pacing, glancing across at Alex from time to time. He checked his Rolex for the fiftieth time.
“See this watch?” Ellis held his wrist up so Alex could see it. “This was a gift from my father. He gave it to me when I was ten and I came out to him. He told me I was going to need to be tougher, faster, and smarter than everyone around me because I would never be accepted otherwise.” Ellis gave a short, sharp laugh and rubbed the face of the expensive watch lovingly. “Well, this Rolex is the last present my father ever gave me. It was the year my mother died. Oh, I’ve had random generic gifts ordered by his assistants for my birthdays. But nothing more from the big man himself. Always too busy saving the fucking world to remember he has a son.” Ellis walked up to Alex and sat down in the sand next to him.
Alex stayed quiet. Relieved. It was strangely comforting listening to Ellis’s self-indulgent ramblings. It gave him something to think about other than imminent death.
“Do you want to know something? After the fire, my dear father never even came to the hospital. I could have died, but he didn’t give a fuck. All he’s ever cared about is his job. The truth is, Alex, I disappoint him. I can see it in his eyes. No matter what I say or do, it’s not good enough for him.”
Alex bit his lip, willing himself to stay quiet. It was all too human. Too flawed. Ellis had systematically brought them down because he had a massive chip on his shoulder.
“You poor kids have it so easy.” Ellis was still ranting, enjoying his captive audience. “No one expects anything of you. You so much as scratch your ass; they give you a fucking medal. The whole system is skewed in your favor, set up to scrape you off the bottom and give you every chance—and you know what else? It’s skewed against people like me, just because I wasn’t born in the gutter. It’s designed to cut me off at the knees and bring me down to the level of every other broke loser out there. I could cure cancer and it wouldn’t matter. It will never be enough.Iwill never be enough.”
Alex laughed. He couldn’t help it.
“You think it’sfunny?” Ellis shouted. He leaped up; Alex half-expected him to walk over and end the game right here, right now with his bare hands. Maybe a part of him wanted it.
But instead, Ellis started pacing again.Why didn’t he just get on with it? What was he waiting for?
“You know, I saw your place once. When I picked Danny up from his apartment. We went over to see if you were home. Your grandma opened the door. She offered us cookies. Nice lady.” Ellis had recovered his composure a little.
Alex felt a shot of nerves. Where was Ellis going with this? Was he moving on to the psychological torture phase? Not enjoying the physical threat enough and trying a new approach? He felt queasy. This was much more dangerous territory.
Ellis walked closer, squatting down by Alex’s sandy Converse. He faced him directly, pushing close, staring into his eyes. There was nowhere for Alex to hide.
“Believe it or not, out of all of us here, you’re one of the lucky ones. People care about you, and when you’re dead, someone out there is going to actually give a fuck. It’s almost tragic. Your grandma seemed like a sweet lady—decent and kind. She’s really going to miss you when she finds out you’re dead…her little Alejandro.”
It was working. Ellis was getting under his skin. Alex ached inside at the thought of home, of Abuela. Losing him would destroy her. He was all she had left.
